"Always And Always, Forever And Ever"
By Hayley-Rose Roberts
24/08/2001
Author's Notes: This is J/C fiction. A Janeway/Chakotay interlude (a Star Trek: Voyager) story.
Warning:This is a NC-17 story and contains graphic depictions of sexual acts. DO NOT read if you are a minor, easily offended by adult material, or you know me.
Disclaimer: Paramount own everything, the characters, the rights, the god damn lot. But what they don't own is this story, and our imaginations, so there, Paramount.
Summary: Set 3 days after "Counterpoint" (doesn't matter if you haven't seen it) and Kathryn is feeling used after Kashyk betrayed her. When she realises she is alone she decides to shut every'one out and concentrate on getting Voyager home. With Commander Chakotay's help she gradually opens up again.
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She sat alone in her ready room waiting for the damage report from Commander Tuvok. Voyager had passed through an ion storm a few hours earlier, and B'Elanna and her team of engineers had already started on repairs. Warp drive was off line and Voyager was dead in space. Though concerned about the damage and wanting to get moving as soon as possible, Captain Janeway had other things on her mind.
As she sat contemplating life, she thought about the personal relationships she had developed since Voyager got lost almost five years ago, Crew relationships were all well. She had made new friends as well as collegues, and even made friends with other species, but people were starting to pair off. She had had the odd romance with an alien here and there after Mark, whom she had previously been engaged to, but as captain, she knew she could never have a romantic relationship with a member of her crew. So what? A hologram? An alien? she asked herself many questions, but never seemed to find the answers. She felt alone and far from home. She was interrupted by the door chime.
"Come in''
''I have the damage report you requested, Captain'', came Tuvok's blunt voice.
She looked up from her desk, ''Well?''
''Warp drive is off line, there is damage to the main computer system, and we are on emergency backup power only. B'Elanna is already working on repairs.''
''Guess that ion storm gave us quite a beating huh,'' she replied in an unusually calm tone.
Tuvok raised an eyebrow in agreement.
''Thankyou, Mr. Tuvok. Dismissed.'' And Tuvok left the room.
A few hours passed. Commander Chakotay sat on the bridge reading the latest report from engineering, and Voyager was still stuck in space. Kathryn entered the bridge from her ready room, and Chakotay stood.
''How are you?'' he asked.
''Oh bearing up. Any idea when we'll have systems back on line?'' she asked
''About an hour according to B'Elanna'' he replied.
She gave a small sigh. ''I'll be in my quarters if you need me.'' and she left.
~*~
She lay in a bubble bath. She could finally relax. Voyager was back to her old self and they were back on track. She began thinking again. Would it be too late for romance when they get back to the alpha quadrent? (if they ever get back).
''Neelix to the captain.'' She reached for her com badge with a unimpressed expression on her face.
''Go ahead''.
''Sorry to bother you captain, I was just wondering if you were going to be present for Commander Chakotay's surprise birthday party tonight?''
With all she had on her mind she had completely forgotten about her first officer's birthday, and she felt bad. But the commander was not one for alot of fuss.
''I will see what I can do Neelix''.
''19:00 hours, holodeck 1 if you decide to come. Neelix out.''
She had always admired Chakotay. He had always stood by her, even in situations in which he did not agree with her. He was her best friend, yet she didn't feel like attending at all, but she knew she couldn't let him down. Maybe if I just go for the first hour and slip away later, she thought to herself.
As she looked at her wrinkled fingers, she realised how long she had been soaking. Glancing at the clock she saw it was 17.00 hours, so leaning forward, she pulled the bath-plug and reached for her towel.
~*~
Meanwhile on the holodeck, Neelix Tom and the Doctor were still prepaing the food and setting for the party. They had the setting in Sandrine's Bar, set in old Paris. One of Tom's programs, and one Chakotay quite admired.
''Mr Neelix are you sure the mess hall wouldn't be a more appropriate place?'' The Doctor complained.
''B'Elanna specificly said Sandrine's, Doctor, and she knows best.''
''Yes, which is why three of her pupils came to sickbay from their ski-ing lesson last week with fractured ribs,'' he replied in a sarcastic tone.
Neelix had prepared an old Talaxian recipe called bejian der soup, as he had decided rather than a sit down meal, a buffet would be more sociable.
B'Elanna came storming in. ''I have been stuck in engineering for over an hour after my duty shift finished, and all because Vorek didn't turn up on time for his. Honestly that Vulcan has gotten on my last nerve. If he.......''
''Lieutenant,'' Neelix interrupted, ''What matters is that you're here now, and I need your opinion on something.''
He led her over to the soup, and as Tom watched, he gave a quiet giggle.
Time was passing fast, and Harry entered with a concerned look on his face.
''Has any'one seen the Captain lately? Last week she said she would help me with the banners.''
''She went to her quarters earlier today and I haven't seen her since.'' The doctor had previously given her one of his medical massages due to stress, but doctor/patient confidentiality always applied in personal matters.
"You know, Doc,'' Tom began, ''she has been a little unsociable with the crew these last few days. Any idea.....''
''Mr Paris, if I decide it's necessary for you to worry about the Captain's well being, I'll let you know.'' The Doctor turned back to his glass polishing. ''Until then I suggest you don't bother her.''
There were a few exchanged looks of concern among the rest of them, but they quickly got back to business.
~*~
It was almost 19:00 hours, and Kathryn stood in front of in the mirror. For the first time in a long time, she looked stunning. She wore a deep-red, halterneck cotton dress which hung just above her ankles, and drooped at the neck. Red strapped sandals matched, with a red clip in her thick aburn hair, and a red shawl.
'Is it a bit too much?' she asked herself. 'But then again it is smart dress
Chakotay was arriving at 19:30, so she left her quarters, immediately changing from Captain to Kathryn, and headed for holodeck 1.
She arrived at Sandrines Bar to find the place filled with people, all waiting quietly to greet Commander Chakotay.
''Ah Captain, can I get you something to drink?'' Neelix asked as he came rushing over.
''Thankyou, Neelix. I'll have a glass of the Chardonnay.'' She sat at a small table in the corner after greeting the rest of the crew.
''Ladies and Gentlemen, Commander Chakotay will be arriving any minute now with B'Elanna, quiet now.'' Neelix tried to keep his voice down.
The Door opend and B'Elanna walked in slowly. The lights were dim.
She stood at the door and Chakotay followed still trying to talk her out of going for a drink. He walked in and everybody shouted 'SUPPRISE'.
He looked more shocked than he had ever, and every'one began to sing 'happy birthday'.
The crowd quieted down and began to greet him.
Chakotay turned to B'Elanna. ''I wonder if you had anything to do with this,'' he said with a smile.
Kathryn sat in the corner alone waiting for a chance to say 'happy birthday' herself, but she didn't mind being alone. It gave her a chance to think.
An hour passed and every'one had formed groups and were tucking into the food. Kathryn had been talking to The Doctor for a while and as he got up to depart, Chakotay made his way over. Kathryn had stood by the bar and was asking Neelix about the level af alcohol in the drinks.
''Captain, I assure you there is not much, anyway it's a party, enjoy yourself.''
She gave him one of her well known frowns and turned away.
She was stood behind people and Chakotay could just see her over the top of the crowd. When he finally reached her, the people slowly departed revealing her lovliness to him. He was stunned.
''Well hello stranger,'' she said with her smile, which only curved at one side.
''Hello.'' Chakotay could not think of anything to say without sounding too keen. ''You look wonderful.'' Damn, he thought.
''You dont look so bad yourself,'' she giggled.
He felt relieved.
They had flirted with each other for almost five years, but they were good friends, and they both understood each other. They both knew that's how it would stay, though Chakotay had feelings inside that hurt him alot, because he never expressed them, and a love for Kathryn that was forbidden, and so they lived at the back of his mind, and deep inside his heart.
They talked for a while and time seemed to pass quickly. It was 23:00 hours, and people had started to slip away.
''My goodness I didn't realise what time it was, I really should be going.'' Kathryn had only intended to stay for an hour or so.
''Stay a while longer'' Chakotay said, trying to hide the desperation.
"I really can't. I'm on duty in the morning, and I need to get some sleep.''
''Okay well at least join me for one glass of wine in my quarters first.''
''I think I've had enough, but maybe a coffee wouldn't hurt,'' she smiled.
They said their goodbye's and made their exit.
~*~
They arrived at his quarters laughing about the time Chakotay had believed himself to be a twentieth century boxer.
''It really wasn't funny at the time, but when you look at it now,'' he said, still laughing. The doors opened and they entered.
They were never uncomfortable with each other when they were at one'another's quarters, so she sat on the sofa and made herself at home.
Chakotay made his way to the replicator. ''Are you sure you just want a coffee?''
''Oh one more glass won't hurt. I guess. I'll have a red wine, thankyou."
He gave a smirk and turned back. He walked slowly to the sofa and handed her the glass. ''Thankyou,'' she said, as he sat down.
''So how have you been? I havn't seen much of you lately, you missed our dinner the other day. The last time you did that was when we were stranded by the Kazon three years ago and they took Voyager.'' Chakotay said in a concerned manner.
''I don't know what you mean, I'm the same Kathryn I've always been.''
''Come on, I think I know you by now, and somethings wrong. We have always been honest with each other.'' He looked into her eyes and he could see the hurt inside. She looked at him and quickly turned away.
''It's nothing, Chakotay.''
''Kathryn?'' he sounded upset and very concerned.
She looked at him. His eyes were a deep brown and beautiful to her. His cheek bones and the darkness of his skin made her weak. She looked away again. '''ts just....'' she began.
''What?''
''It's being so far away from home thats all.''
''Come on, Kathryn, we've been away from home for five years now, and you're trying to tell me that it's only just started to bother you?''
''Well, that and other things.''
''Like what?'' he asked keenly.
''It's just, sometimes I feel a little alone.'' She started to blush. ''It started when I got the letter from Mark last year, and it's just all caught up with me that's all. I think it'll pass.''
Chakotay stared at at her with a puzzled look on his face. ''Kathryn why on earth do you feel alone. You have so many friends here. You have me for a start, and then there's....''
''Chakotay','' she interrupted. "It's not that. It's just that,'' she paused. ''Sometimes I miss having some'one. You know, some'one to love and be loved by, and being the Captain makes it so much harder.''
Chakotay couldn't think of anything to say to her to make it easier. He felt like he should make a suggestion, but he couldn't think of anything to suggest. He looked at her. He had not realised how serious she was until he saw the tears starting in her eyes. He raised an arm, and to his relief she accepted, and laid her head on his shoulder. He began to stroke her hair, and then lightly kissed her head. She suddenly looked up at him with a serious look on her face.
Damn, I've blown it. He thought to himself.
But to his astonishment, she leaned in with eyes closed and lightly kissed him on the lips.
''I'm sorry,'' she said quickly. "It's late, I really should be leaving.'' She started to get up, but he gently pulled her back. He kissed her back, once, twice. She accepted and slowly opend her mouth to invite him in. He accepted and began to roam her mouth with his tounge, but not too harsh, as to let her change her mind if she wished. He slowly moved to her cheek, then to her neck, showering light kisses over her as he moved lower.
Suddenly she pulled away, and for a moment he thought she had changed her mind, but she stood and held her hand out to him. He stood and she began to lead him over to the bed, but he stopped her and turned her to face him.
''Kathryn, are you sure this is what you want?'' There was a short silence.
She gently kissed his ear and whispered ''Yes.''
She stood by the bed and began to undo the buttons on his shirt. The only light was from the starlight shining through the window above his bed. He took a step back in order to give her the space she sought. She slid the shirt off his shoulders and began to roam his body with her hands. Kathryn was not sure she loved him, but he was beautiful to her, and he watched as she explored him with light kisses. He gently took the clip from her head, and her thick aburn hair fell just below her ears. He moved in closer and began to undo the tie at the back of her neck. she accepted and began to undo the fastening on his trousers. With one tug she pulled them to his ankles. He shuddered, and she looked into his eyes to make sure she was not rushing him. To her relief, he slid the dress down her smooth body.
Her flesh was cold and pale. He roamed her body with his hands before moving his attention to her breasts. He cupped them in his hands and began kissing her neck again, and moving her in closer to him. She could feel his erection pushing into her belly, and she moved toward the bed. He followed. She lay, and he accepted her invitation.
He started at the bottom of the bed, gently kissing her ankles and moving up her calf until he got to her inner thigh. He moved up and she began to shudder. He carefully opened her legs, but gently, to make sure she wanted this. Her body heat was increasing, as she spread them slowly. He had never imagined her this way. She was very ladylike, and he saw her as a very private person. She never discussed sexual relations with him. He didn't know what she enjoyed and what she didn't, and so he was unsure of how to touch her.
He moved up to her neck, lightly kissing her delicate creamy flesh. He began to gently seek her opening, and slid two fingers into the hot wetness he found there. he began to move them slowly in and out of her, and she started to moan. He moved down toward her breasts, and began to kiss her chest, stopping to tease a nipple now and again. She began to writhe underneath him. She thrust her hips up to meet his, but he gently pushed her back down. He was not going to rush this, he would make it last as long as he could. He kissed her neck, and she slowly ran her fingers through his hair. She thrust up again. ''Chakotay please,'' she whispered, a tremble in her voice. She needed this.
He slowly opened her legs further. He was hard and tense, and he was very nervous. He loved her very much, and he did not want to spoil it. He gently sought her opening, and slid his hot slickness deep into her channel. She gave a gasp and threw her head back. It had been a long time since she had made love, and had almost forgotten what it felt like.
He paused for a while, to let her adjust to this sensation, and then he began to move his being slowly in and out of her, still showering greedy kisses all over her neck and chest. She hooked her legs behind his knees and thrust up, meeting his increasing pace. To his surprise, she was very vocal. As his thrusts gradually increased, her moaning grew louder. He was panting heavily. She pushed him up and threw him onto his back. He did not expect it, and looked surprised at her action. She sat upright and spread herself over his waist, taking him deeply within her, and he raised a hand to her breast, the other on her hip. She put her hands on his stomach and began to move her wetness up and down his large manhood. He started to moan as her pace increased, and he thrust up in counterpoint with hers, as he kneaded her breast furiously. She started to tremble as he squeezed her nipple tighter. He moved his other hand from her hip and slid two fingers down to her clit. He started rubbing at the same pace as her thrusts. She started to moan louder, and slammed down onto him hard, again, and again until she could no longer take the sensation running through her. Her muscles tighten'ed around his hard cock and she flung her head back still slamming down on him. He closed his eyes and screamed her name, ''Kathryn.'' As her thighs squeezed his hips a loud cry came from her throat. They reached orgasm together, as everything went blank, and their minds traveled to another state of conciousness.
Kathryn dropped down onto his chest, still panting. He kissed her neck, and tasted the fluid around her jaw. As she looked up at him, she saw a tear fall from his eye.
''What?'' She asked, confused.
He looked into her eyes. ''I...... I love you Kathryn.'' She stared at him for a short moment. She was confused. She loved him too she realised, but how could she ever be with him? She thought she had made that clear. Had she really used her best friend? Given out the wrong signals? She could not leave him now, it would kill him. She kissed his forehead and gently seperated her hips from his. She lay at his side and stroked his hair. She slowly turned away, and as he turned toward her, he put an arm around her and gently kissed her head. A tear fell from her eye.
He woke the next morning to find her gone.
~*~
''Good morning, Mr. Paris,'' Kathryn said as she entered the bridge. ''Sorry I'm late''
'Oh, only by a few minutes, Captain.'
Kathryn turned to Harry, ''Report.'
''All systems are operational, and the crew is in good health.'' He looked back at his console.
Chakotay entered the bridge looking worse than ever. ''Sorry I'm late, must have overslept."
Kathryn said nothing, and there were a few exchanged looks of curiousness among the crew.
Chakotay sat down in his chair. ''Good morning,'' he said, looking at her with a smile.
''Good morning.'' She did not turn to face him and he looked confused.
''Doctor to Captain Janeway.''
''Go ahead, Doctor.''
''Please report to sickbay for your physical.''
''On my way.''
That was unusual for her, because she hated nothing more than reporting for her weekly physical, and she would often put them off for as long as she could, but in this case she would do anything to get away from the awkwardness on the bridge.
~*~
The door opened and Kathryn marched in.
''Ah, good morning, Captain.'' The doctor was just finishing Seven's weekly check-up.
''Captain, we have a game of velocity scheduled at 16:00 hours. Am I correct?'' Seven was still developing her social skills and they would often have matches.
"I'm a little busy today Seven, would you mind if we re-scheduled?''
''As you wish.'' And she left sickbay.
Kathryn walked to the bed and sat down.
''And how are we this morning, Captain?''
''Fine, Doctor. You?''
''Not bad.'' The Doctor began to scan her with his tricorder. ''You're in perfect health. How are you coping with the stress?''
''Oh, okay.''
"You're not very talkative this morning. Is there anything I can do to.... ''
"'Doctor I'm fine, just a little tired from the party thats all,'' she assured him.
"'Very well. Doctor to Commander Chakotay.... Please report for your phsyical.''
''On my way. Chakotay out.'' He sounded keen, and started toward sickbay. He wanted to speak to Kathryn alone, and now was his chance.
"Doctor may I be excused now?'' Kathryn wanted to leave before Chakotay got there.
''Hold-on a moment.''
She felt terrible for what she was doing, but she could not face him.
He entered sickbay and she looked away from him.
''Doctor could I have a moment alone with the Captain?''
"Oh, I suppose, but hurry up. I have over a hundred more patients to get through you know. Computer deactivate EMH.''
"Chakotay, look I....''
"What's wrong, Kathryn? Why are you avoiding me?" He looked angry. ''One minute we're making love and the next you're acting like we've never met. If I've done something wrong, I want to know.''
''Chakotay,'' She looked up at him, ''you havn't done anything wrong.''
''Then what is it?''
It was killing her, but she had to do it. ''I don't love you, Chakotay.'' She turned away.
''No. No, I don't believe you, Kathryn. What was all that last night?''
''I was lonely, Chakotay. I'm sorry''
''No, Kathryn you're lying to me.'' There was a trembling in his voice.
''Chakotay we can't have a relationship, it is against starfleet protocol.'' She rose from the biobed and with all her courage, looked him in the eye and said, ''I'm sorry Commander.''
She marched out of sickbay with a Captain's pride until the doors closed behind her. She stopped for a moment and closed her eyes. She gave a sigh and continued to the bridge.
~*~
Weeks passed without either of them speaking to the other, apart from work matters. He could see she was hurting. He could not understand how she could ignore her feelings for Starfleet protocol, if she felt as strongly for him as he did for her.
The crew could sense something wrong, and there had been gossip, but no'one had said anything to either of them, as they did not feel it was their place. And so, that's how it stayed.
Kathryn sat alone in her ready room waiting for the latest damage report from Commander Tuvok. Voyager had passed through a gas nebula a few hours ago, and B'Elanna had already started on repairs. As she sat contemplating life, she thought about her relationship with Commander Chakotay. For a long time she had blocked her feelings out, and not only was it destroying them both, but the rest of the crew as well. People were arguing and couples were falling out. Neelix's cooking had gone completely down the drain, and morale had dropped drastically. Voyager was not what it used to be and all because of Starfleet protocol.
Kathryn knew what she had to do.
''Janeway to Chakotay... please report to holodeck 2. Janeway out."
The entire bridge crew looked up. Chakotay was in shock. If Kathryn had said anything the last couple of days, it was only 'good morning' and 'good night'.
He headed for holodeck 2 thinking hard about what she was going to say to him, and why she wanted to see him on the holodeck.
He entered, and found himself on a sandy beach. The sun was setting, he could hear the sound of the seagulls above him, and the quiet crashing of the waves. Over by the beautiful blue of the sea stood a woman. She wore a pink summer dress, and she was looking out onto the horizon. Her thick aburn hair was flowing around her shoulders with the soft breeze. As he walked over the sandy beach toward her, she turned to face him.
''Kathryn?''
'Ssshhh.'' She held a finger to his lips. She closed her eyes and gently kissed his soft sweet lips. He took her in his warm embrace and held her tight, close to his firm body. She leaned in toward him, and carefully whispered in his ear, ''I love you Chakotay.''
''I'll never let you go Kathryn.''
She looked into his eyes and softly whispered, ''We'll be together, always and always,'' she lay her head on his shoulder. ''forever and ever.''
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Dedicated to my brother Scott, without whom I never would have discovered Voyager.
This is my first story, so please email me with your opinion at this addy.
Thanks.