"Five Days Of Heartache"
    By Heather Lynne


    Rated PG: some suggestive scenes and nudity.

    Synopsis: Chakotay has reason to believe that Kathryn has been avoiding him. His suspicions all point to her having an affair behind his back, and with the least likely of crew members. No real angst; this is a comedy.

    Author's Notes: Okay…this is only for my pleasure, and hopefully that of others who read it. Paramount owns the characters, starship, and every other molecule of anything to do with anything labeled “Star Trek”. I’m merely a humble hobbyist, prostrating myself at their altar. This story takes place in season seven, before End Shame.





    ***********************************

    DAY ONE:

    Chakotay could feel himself waking up. He loved the wonderful, rare mornings when he could stay in bed and not have to get ready for work right away. It was far too rare an occurrence that he could do that, and more. In his still drowsy state, he smiled as he remembered the first time he had realized that he could have such mornings with her.

    ********************

    It had been after their ‘talk’.

    She had asked him to come see her at the end of his watch. She had also been on watch, but had spent much of the day in her ready room. He had assumed it was about shift rotations, which they had been talking about the day before. They had not yet come upon a resolution that didn’t upset at least some member of the crew. He had certainly not expected what had happened next.

    Kathryn had stood on the upper level of her ready room, looking out at the stars. Chakotay had glanced at her desk, but didn’t see the scatter of PADDS that should accompany a day’s worth of ship’s business. She hadn’t turned to look at him, not at first. She had just spoken, like she was giving a friendly order.

    “Chakotay, please have a seat.”

    He hadn’t thought much about that. She always offered a seat to those in her ready room. He’d walked up to be closer to her, and had sat down. When he’d looked up at her, he hadn’t expected the expression she wore. She looked as though she’d been crying, and now was more at peace with herself. Of course, Kathryn was never at peace with herself, but somehow her expression seemed to indicate that she had come through some sort of test or challenge, and had won. She continued to gaze out the window as she started to talk.

    “I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, Chakotay.”

    “I think I can see that. Anything I can help you with?” He had asked, in all sincerity.

    Kathryn had shaken her head a little, smiled, and still without looking at him, turned and sat on the sofa.

    “I knew you would say that. It’s one of the reasons we have to talk.” She was still smiling, and now gazing straight ahead of herself.

    “I don’t understand, Kathryn. Have I done something wrong?” He had been truly befuddled at this point. That was nothing compared to the confusion that had hit him shortly after.

    Kathryn had shaken her head again, and put her face in her hands before looking at him.

    “What in the universe could you have done wrong? You are the one person on this ship who I can genuinely count on to be there for me, to be honest and open. You always fight for what you believe in. Even when we’ve disagreed, I’ve still admired that passion. No, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve done it all right. I’m the one who’s done everything wrong for so long.” She had looked like she was going to cry again.

    Chakotay had found this shocking: Kathryn was not a crier. She was passionate in her own beliefs herself, but she was also the Captain. Captains didn’t cry - at least not in front of the crew. It worried him very much, both the idea of her crying, and the fact that she wasn’t really making much sense. Then it hit him.

    “Kathryn, you are far too hard on yourself. We’ve talked about this before. When we ended up in the Delta Quadrant, it was because you were saving an entire race. You put their needs before yours. I can’t think of a more selfless…” He had stopped talking for the simple reason that Kathryn had been no longer in danger of crying. In fact, she was chuckling quietly to herself. His feelings had been a bit bruised by that. After all, he had been trying to help. He knew her so well that he wondered why she would do anything that she must have known would hurt his feelings. He had been about to say something again when she looked him directly in the eyes. Her expression was different yet again. This one he couldn’t have read, nor would he have tried.

    “Chakotay, do you remember when I told you about losing Jason and my Father? About how I could never be anything more than friends with you? And that I couldn’t stand the idea of something happening to you on my watch if we were?” She had spoken softly then, and with a depth of feeling that he had seldom heard from anyone. He had forgotten all about his bruised feelings. Perhaps this was a getting a bit too much for them, he had thought. They’d spent years not having a “more than friendship” relationship because she had always stopped it just short of that step. She could never be involved with a member of her crew, she had said, and she couldn’t be involved with anyone she might have to order on a dangerous mission.

    “Of course I remember. We’ve never talked about it. I thought it was too painful for you. You certainly made yourself clear at the time. I understood then, and I understand now. We don’t have to talk about this, you know.” He was trying to be reassuring, trying to break some of the tension. She’d kept looking directly into his eyes. It was a bit uncomfortable: she simply would not have look at him like that unless there was more going on than… And then he had held his breath. He hadn’t made any presumptions, hadn’t taken any guesses. If he had, he would have only opened himself up for more hurt from the woman who had continually rejected him, the woman he had loved since the first day he had understood her and appreciated her passions. That had been the first day he had met her. And at that moment, in her ready room, she had been staring at him…

    “Chakotay, I’ve been wrong for such a long time. I’ve had to do a lot of thinking, and today I have reached some conclusions.” She looked away again. “I’ve wasted so much time; so much time on ‘what if’ and ‘I can’t.’ I owe you an apology, and so much more.”

    He had not wanted to breathe. If he had, it might have shattered the moment, or changed what she was going to say into something other than what he had so badly wanted to hear. He had spoken barely above a whisper:

    “What are you trying to say?”

    She looked back at him and continued staring into his eyes.

    “That I’m sorry. That I should have worked all this out ages ago. That, if I were to send you on a mission where…something happened, I would not be saving myself any more grief. I couldn’t possibly hurt more if I lost you now. That’s what I wanted to say. That - and that I love you. I have always loved you, and I have been such a fool to think that I would ever be happy without admitting that to myself, and to you. If you will have me, I want for us to be more than friends, I want us to be lovers, to be a couple, to work and walk hand in hand, forever.” She had looked at him again, with such longing and such love in her eyes…

    *******************************


    At least that was how Chakotay had chosen to remember the events. Kathryn had reminded him, several times, that things hadn’t quite gone so well. She always told him that he was a hopeless romantic, and if he wanted the more romantic version, who was she to argue? Sometimes she teased him gently about the way things had actually happened. Ok, not that gently. When reminiscing, she’d often laugh right out loud. The fact was, they had yelled at each other. She had called him ridiculous. He had accused her of not having any regard for his feelings. The word ‘childish’ had been used as well. And there had been the silly bit about the broken vase…

    On second thought, Chakotay realized that he didn’t want to stay in bed, his eyes closed, remembering the events of nearly a year ago. Instead, he chose to focus on the fact that today was the first day that neither of them had to be on the bridge for an early shift in quite some time. Kathryn wasn’t really a morning person, but she almost always started work very early in the morning. As a surprise, he hadn’t told her that he also had the morning off. He had made sure of it by arranging the schedules with a little breakfast in bed in mind - breakfast, and much more, of course. He had even pre-programmed the replicator in her quarters to have a full breakfast ready for them just around the time they would normally be waking up. That would include plenty of coffee – no need being grumbled at when he was trying to do something nice for her – and herbal tea, mushroom omelets and ample servings of granola, orange juice, and soy milk. Kathryn had never taken to the soy milk, but she had been gradually eating more and more vegetarian dishes with him, so maybe today was the day for her to go completely vegetarian. Or at least not tell him that he was being absurd by offering her soy milk. As a matter of fact, he mused, the replicated food should be showing up right about now. So why didn’t he smell the coffee?

    Chakotay focused on his sense of smell and tried to find the aromas of the morning repast. Nothing. No food smells. No tea smells. And most disastrous of all, no coffee smell! He knew he needed to take a look at the replicator, but he had been hoping to have the food and coffee in the room before Kathryn was up. Ah well, this was her quarters after all. She and her replicator had never gotten along. Not since she’d called it a glorified toaster, or something like that. He decided he might as well get up, but not before he said good morning to his love. The breakfast may not be a surprise, but it could still be a wonderful, private morning. If worst came to worst, he could always go to his quarters to get replicated food. He’d just have to put on some clothing first; sleeping naked had far more advantages than disadvantages after all. He rolled his head to the other side of his pillow to wake Kathryn by gently calling her name. No coffee right away meant that things had to start slowly and gently.

    Unfortunately, things weren’t even going well with the “waking her up” idea. She wasn’t in the bed. Damn. That meant that she would be in the bathroom, having used the facilities, wearing her dressing gown and running a brush through her hair. She’d also be wondering where her coffee was and why he hadn’t dealt with his ‘morning breath’ yet. The reality of being in an intimate relationship was not as sweet as the dream.

    “Kathryn,” he said, just as another non dream-like need hit him full on. “Are you done in there yet?”

    No reply. Not even a grumpy ‘just a minute.’ Nothing. Chakotay pulled himself up and out of bed, ran a hand through his hair, and headed to the bathroom. He stood over the toilet, ready to feel relieved, when it hit him that she wasn’t in the bathroom either. That was odd. She must already be sitting up in the main room.

    He finished up, and for the sake of his own comfort when he joined her, brushed his teeth. He then walked into the main room, saying something about checking the replicators and getting coffee, when he realized that she wasn’t there either. Now he was feeling a bit annoyed. He had all these plans, and she wasn’t even in her quarters. It wasn’t like there was anywhere to search. On a starship, even the Captain’s quarters are not huge. So where the hell was she? He had talked with her over a week ago about her getting this morning off. There was no way she wouldn’t have slept in, having been given the chance. If she had gone to the bridge for some sort of emergency, he would have been called too.

    He walked over to the replicator and ordered a cup of coffee. Nope. That was the one thing she made sure her replicator could make, even if it wasn’t capable of duplicating anything else. It must really be in need of repair. He didn’t want to have to wait much longer for the food, as he expected her to show up at any moment. He decided it was time for him to take a look at the thing.

    She always let him know where she would be, even if they weren’t together. Okay, she let him know most of the time…or not. It wasn’t that hard to find someone on Voyager: one only had to ask the computer. But he always knew where she was.

    He yanked a front panel from above the serving area of the replicator.

    He couldn’t believe that she would just disappear like this without letting him know where she was.

    He pulled at a bundle of wires that hung rather lifelessly from the open hatch.

    After all, they had been together nearly a year, they had their routines down pat. She knew he would want to see her when he got up. She should also want to see him. Not for any reason, really, just to touch base. After all, that’s what couples did!

    The wires had come free from the innards of the replicator. Well, most of them. The last one seemed to be stuck, like some bizarre umbilical cord, between the machine and his hand. It was a good thing that the wire had gotten his attention. He heard the computer warning just in time to jump as far away as he could from the sparks that flew out of the replicator. He picked himself up off of the floor, giving thanks to all the deities that may be that he hadn’t been hit full on with the sparks in his current state of undress. Some things could be very embarrassing to tell the Doctor about. It would be hard to explain that he was fixing a replicator while angry, and hadn’t paid enough attention, so his…body parts… got fried. That was NOT one to share with the Doctor…or Kathryn. She certainly didn’t need to know. In fact, once they were on duty, he’d get someone in here right away to fix the bloody thing. It made sense to leave the job to someone else. After all, they would be wearing a uniform when they showed up.

    He was feeling worse and worse, having been abandoned by Kathryn and nearly incinerated by her replicator, when it hit him: she must have sneaked off to his quarters to get him a surprise breakfast! It would have been no effort for her to check the schedule and see that they had the same morning off. It was really so absurd of him not to have thought of this before. She could be as full of surprises as he could. Why would he be the only one planning a romantic morning? So what now? Did he wait for her to return, perhaps carrying a tray of food not unlike the one he had planned to surprise her with? Or did he sneak over to his quarters and show up without being called? Perhaps that was what she expected. After all, they had spent the night at her place, so why wouldn’t she plan for them to spend the morning at his? While they did spend most of their private time in her quarters, there was no reason for her to plan for all of the romance to happen there.

    Chakotay hastily went back to the bedroom to find his clothes before going to his place. As this was her quarters, he didn’t have a robe or anything other than his uniform available. Ah well, Kathryn would realize that and not be surprised when he arrived in his full Star Fleet uniform. This did have its up side: taking off a uniform could be quite sensual after all. It certainly had been on a number of occasions. He looked around the bedroom, wondering where he had dumped the uniform for the night. They hadn’t had the energy for sex last night, so their clothes would have been put somewhat carefully in the bedroom. So where were they? He should have seen them right away… And he didn’t. He looked everywhere he could think of, all to no avail. It wasn’t as if the uniform should be hard to find. He would have left it folded and easily visible in the bedroom - or any other part of the quarters, depending on the circumstances. As much as he searched, he couldn’t find anything even remotely resembling his clothing anywhere. Damn.

    He had several options available. He could hail Kathryn and ask her to bring a new uniform over for him. Not overly romantic, and a problem if she had decided to wear something special for his benefit, like that pink nighty he liked so much. Or the black see-through robe that hung gently from her shoulders and moved so sensuously… Or even, best of all, her Queen Arachnia costume. She had worn it for him once before, upon request, but they’d had such a good time that she might have decided to put it on again.

    Such thoughts now made his current predicament even worse. Sort of. If he had even toyed with the idea of trying to sneak to his quarters in the buff, his lusty sartorial thoughts had put a solid end to that plan. He hadn’t really considered it, not really. It was just a funny idea… Well, it had been a few moments ago. Now it was just embarrassing, or gave him bragging rights, depending on the situation.

    He rummaged around the bedroom, trying to find some solution to his problem. All of Kathryn’s uniforms were far too small, of course. They were designed to stretch and allow for a wide range of movement, but after trying to squeeze even one of his thighs into her pants, he decided they didn’t have that much stretch. Which was unfortunate: no one would have thought twice if they had walked past him wearing a command uniform. He suddenly had to shudder: that was the one and only time he had ever considered thinking that Kathryn should have the same uniform size as he did. That was just a bit too awful to think further on. It did take care of the problem he’d had for a little while, though.

    In the end, he decided to try and beam himself over to his quarters. Perhaps a bit wasteful of energy, but a lot less embarrassing than trying to get there in Kathryn’s short, pink satin dressing gown. It appeared that she didn’t have any others right now.

    “Chakotay to engineering…” he stopped himself when he realized that he’d only hit himself on his chest. He remembered leaving his com badge in his quarters, just in case Tuvok had decided to hail him

    “Chakotay to engineering. I need to beam to my quarters.” Oh, right, he thought - like that didn’t sound odd. Well, no reason for anyone to know why.

    “Torres here. What’s the emergency, Commander?” B’Elanna’s voice sounded concerned but also very much in charge. If it had been anyone else, anyone else at all, Chakotay would have been able to just order that person to beam him over. But no, it was just his rotten luck to get B’Elanna…

    “Uh…that’s not important right now. I just need to beam to my quarters - now.” He could almost feel her skepticism over the com. She could hear the hesitation in his voice because she knew him so well. Well, that, and the fact that he had really hesitated, of course.

    “Chakotay, are you okay? We’ve only got enough energy for a life-threatening beam within the ship. We’ve shut down everything else for diagnostics and up-keeping.”

    “A diagnostic? Right now? Who authorized that?”

    “You did, three days ago. Chakotay, are you alright? Is this really an emergency?”

    “I’m fine. Never mind. Carry on.”

    “Just a moment, Chakotay; you are in the Captain’s quarters right now aren’t you? I have a report here that says her replicator is off line for some reason. I know she’ll want it working as soon as possible; I can send someone up in the next ten minutes or so.”

    Great. Trust B’Elanna to be so good at her job that she was a nuisance. He already felt silly for forgetting about the diagnostic. What could he say right now to excuse the technician? After all, the Captain’s quarters were a top priority.

    “Chakotay? Can you hear me?” B’Elanna queried.

    “Yes. Yes, I can.”

    “I’ll send up Vorik. He’s available right now.” She didn’t wait for him to say anything one way or the other, “Torres out.”

    This made things even more urgent. Not only was he losing valuable time that he and Kathryn could have had together, he was also likely to be hiding in her bedroom the whole time Vorik was there. It could take the engineer hours to fix the machine, after the original problem and what he’d done to it. He could end up spending his entire shift in the bed, not just what was left of the morning.

    That made it clear. There was only one thing left to do. He grabbed Kathryn’s pink dressing gown and put it on. It was short on Kathryn. It was very short on Chakotay. Far too short for his liking, but desperate times called for desperate measures. He could do this. There probably wasn’t anyone in the hallway at this time of day anyway. He’d just zip out of Kathryn’s quarters and walk swiftly, but with dignity, to his own. That was simple. No one would see him, and if they did, well, too bad. If he walked with dignity, maybe anyone who saw him would think he was the butt of one of Tom Paris’ practical jokes. That was a plausible excuse, anyway.

    He then felt much more secure about the whole thing. After all, he was second in command of Voyager. He had been a Maquis leader. He had been through fire fights. He had lived through direct confrontations with the Borg. He had even survived Neelix’s cooking, Seven of Nine’s rudeness and having to rescue Kathryn when she was in the form of a giant newt - okay, that one didn’t sound real to him, despite his having been there. He held his chin up and walked out the door.

    Well, almost. He actually walked part-way through the door and straight into Vorik, who was standing right in the frame of the door to the Captain’s quarters.

    So much for dignity, Chakotay thought.

    “Sorry, Ensign. I didn’t realize you were there,” Chakotay said with as much dignity as he could possibly display.

    “Not at all, Commander. The blunder was caused by an error on my part. As one of the computer-run items in the Captain’s quarters seems to be malfunctioning, I was taking time to check the locking mechanisms of the door to ascertain if there were problems in them. I should have been aware that someone could exit the quarters while I was thus stationed.” As he was a Vulcan, Vorik showed no hint of emotion. His left eyebrow had shot up, though. Clearly something was either amiss or fascinating. Chakotay really didn’t want to know which one the eyebrow indicated.

    “Right. Okay. No problem. Carry on, crewman.” Chakotay was about to make his quick walk down the corridor when he realized he’d accidentally opened a topic for conversation.

    “No disrespect intended sir, but I am not a crewman. As you yourself addressed me just mere moments before, I am an ensign. I earned my official officer’s status while stationed on – “

    Chakotay couldn’t take any more of this. He was not going to be seen by anyone else while he was standing around in the Captain’s lingerie.

    “Sorry, Vorik, I have to leave now.” He didn’t bother trying to come up with an excuse.

    “Yes, sir. But if I could have your attention for a moment longer, I would like to ask how well the Captain’s replicator was functioning before it went off line–“

    Again, Vorik was cut off; this time by Chakotay’s turn at the sound of female voices. Unfortunately, the Delaney sisters – for Spirits knew what reason! – were walking together down the corridor. Chakotay had to restrain himself to keep from running down the hall. He reminded himself of his plan to be dignified. He stood up straight and tall, held his chin up and walked with dignity and intention. The identical sisters stood and stared at him. Perhaps a little more rudely than they should have, he thought.

    “Ladies, carry on.” He said, and nodded his head in acknowledgement of their presence, betraying no hint of embarrassment.

    Once past the two women, he took up his brisk walk, moving with intent down the hallway. He took one last look behind him, to see if the Delaney sisters were still staring or not. He was relieved to see that they weren’t staring at him at all.

    They were staring, however, at Vorik’s tool box, specifically at the length of pink satin that had caught on the corner of the box. He immediately recognized the bottom half of the dressing gown.

    Chakotay had never walked so fast in his life.

    He arrived at his own door, only to feel as if the doors on this ship took far too long to open. Once inside, he allowed himself to catch his breath and try to recapture what he could of his dignity.

    The journey down the hallway to his quarters was probably the longest journey Chakotay had ever had to take. At least it felt that way. Nothing came close. Not the forced camping trips with his Father, not the flights on his Maquis ship when they didn’t have enough energy to even try to replicate rations, not even the promised 60 some-odd years left in the Delta Quadrant. Nothing compared to his little the trip down the hallway. The only thing that soothed Chakotay’s rattled nerves was the thought of Kathryn waiting for him in his own quarters: Kathryn with breakfast ready, Kathryn with her bright smile ready to welcome him. They’d laugh about his situation, and then spend the rest of the morning together. That would make the journey worth the while. He looked around, only to discover that she wasn’t in the main room. He called out her name. No response. That meant that she wasn’t in the bathroom, either. She wasn’t in his quarters at all.

    “Of course,” he muttered to himself, “what else should I expect at this point?”

    *****************************************


    After cleaning himself up and putting on a newly replicated uniform, this time with his com badge, Chakotay headed to the Mess Hall. He had finally asked the computer where the Captain was, and had been give that answer. He really shouldn’t have been surprised, but he was. He had hoped, at least, that she had suddenly had to return to her ready room to attend to something urgent. That would have at least made him feel somewhat less than ignored. As it was, he was feeling very grouchy when he went into Neelix’s domain.

    Kathryn was sitting at a table for four, next to B’Elanna and across from Tom. She had the ever present cup of coffee in her hand, and was very involved in conversation when he arrived. She didn’t look up and see him right away, but B’Elanna did.

    “Chakotay! Come and join us,” the Chief Engineer said, “I’ve been thinking about you ever since you contacted me at the end of my watch. Is everything okay?”

    “Yes. Fine, thank you.” Chakotay was aware that his answer was rather curt and tight-lipped, but he couldn’t bring himself to sound the least bit cheerful.

    “Kathryn, where were you early this morning? I awoke and found myself alone.” Chakotay and Kathryn didn’t usually bring up anything to do with their relationship in front of any member of the crew, so she started a bit when he virtually demanded the answer from her.

    “I was up before you, that’s all. You looked so peaceful in your sleep that I didn’t have the heart to wake you. What’s happened? You look like you’ve lost your best friend.” She sounded sincere, but she was looking past him at Neelix as she spoke, indicating the need for a refill of her coffee cup.

    “Nothing. I had expected you to sleep in past my waking up. You’re not fond of early mornings, Kathryn.”

    “Habit, I guess. I’ve been getting up early for so long that I seem to have forgotten how to sleep in. Why don’t you sit down and join us?” While delivering this invitation, Kathryn was looking at Neelix, who was filling up her coffee cup. Chakotay simply didn’t feel overly welcome nor wanted. He was aware that he was probably over reacting, but he just did not want to stay.

    “No, thank you. I’m going to go to my office early. I have some things to do.” With that, he turned to leave. B’Elanna was not going to let him get away without answering her question.

    “I still want to know if everything’s okay, Chakotay. You did sound like you had something urgent on your mind when you contacted me earlier this morning.”

    Great: as if he even wanted to talk about the morning. Not now, not in front of the three of them and not in the mood he was in.

    “Nothing. Just an oversight on my part. I’ll be going now.” His last sentence was so final that none of the people at the table said anything to stop him this time.

    He did hear Tom Paris’ voice as he left, quietly asking what ‘that’ had been all about. Let Tom wonder. Let B’Elanna wonder. Kathryn, at some point, would probably figure it out.

    He wasn’t so confident about Kathryn’s figuring things out when the mess hall doors slid shut behind him. The last thing he had heard was her laughter, joined immediately by the laughter of the others.

    Things were just getting better and better. With any luck, he’d get to cheer up later by dealing with something minor, as in, say, a warp core breach.

    ************************************

    DAY TWO:


    Chakotay’s mood did not improve during the day nor overnight. It didn’t help that Kathryn was “too busy” to see him that evening.

    When he reported for duty the next day, he deliberately stayed in his office, not wanting to say anything too harsh to any member of the crew just because yesterday’s morning had been screwed up.

    He had expected Kathryn to come and check on him as the day went on. He really should have been on the bridge by the time she would have arrived, but his CO and significant other didn’t even hail him. Now, not only was he disappointed about the loss of his romantic morning, embarrassed by his appearance in the corridor early yesterday and angry for being laughed at in the mess hall (at least it had felt that way), he was also feeling neglected. She didn’t check in with him at all during the day and he eventually had to give up hiding and report to the bridge. It was where he belonged at the time, after all.

    He strode onto the bridge, fully expecting Kathryn to be in the Captain’s chair, noticing his late entrance. She wasn’t. Then again, for the last couple of days, she hadn’t been in bed when he’d expected, nor had she show up at his office, so why should she be where he expected her to be now?

    Harry Kim was the first to see him enter the bridge.

    “Good afternoon, Commander.” Harry said, with that eager, young, let’s-go-get-‘em sound in his voice. He was just too damned cheerful. Normally that was just fine with Chakotay, but today he just didn’t feel like hearing anyone else who was in a better mood than he was.

    “Ensign.” Chakotay said, not even bothering to look in Kim’s direction. His tone must have indicated his mood to the rest of the bridge crew, as no one else said anything to him.

    When he barked “report,” Tuvok informed him that all systems were normal, and that they were still on course for the Alpha Quadrant - big surprise. There wasn’t even anything to engage his curiosity as the day wore on. Even some Borg or ugly Vidiians would have been welcome if they had helped to get his mind off of his own situation. No such luck today: not a Borg cube in sight, and they had left the Vidiians behind light years ago.

    Chakotay was normally a placid person with an even temperament. He was generally slow to anger and, more often than not, he was the voice of reason in most situations. As he mulled over yesterday’s events, he began to drop out of his bad mood. He even saw some amusement in the predicament that he’d been in. As the watch wore on, he regained his usual demeanor and relaxed. He even noticed that the other officers on the bridge seemed to relax after he did. Perhaps he had been taking things too seriously. He smiled to himself, thinking of how Kathryn would laugh when he told her the story. It was a good one, and he had more than enough of a sense of humour to laugh at himself when appropriate. He even made up his mind to apologize to the Delaney sisters and Vorik when he had the chance.

    As he hadn’t seen Kathryn at all on this watch, he decided to find her himself. There was only one place she would be while on duty (without letting him know, of course): her ready room.

    “Mr. Tuvok, you have the bridge,” he stated as he walked over to the ready room door.

    He stood in the right spot to sound the chime and waited for Kathryn’s vocal command to enter. It seemed to take rather a long time. He looked up at Tuvok, who was standing at his station and looking back at him.

    “Tuvok, is the Captain in her ready room?” It seemed only polite to talk to the man once they had made eye contact for so long.

    “I believe so, Commander,” Tuvok responded.

    “Thank you.”

    Before he had a chance to say anything else, the door slid open and he was able to walk away from the steady gaze of the Vulcan.

    Kathryn was indeed in the room, sitting on the bench on the upper level, with Neelix by her side.

    “Hello, Commander. Nice to see you today,” was Neelix’s chirpy welcome. He was busy turning off a PADD.

    “Neelix,” Chakotay said with a brief nod.

    “I’ll be off now, Captain. I will look into that matter we discussed and let you know when we can meet again. Good-bye, Captain, Commander.” With that, Neelix moved very quickly to the main door and was gone.

    Chakotay walked over to the upper level and sat on the bench next to Kathryn. He smiled, and was thinking how best to tell her the story of what had happened yesterday morning.

    “What is it, Chakotay? I have a very busy day today, and I don’t have time for anything not work related at the moment.” Kathryn sounded cold, but she looked at him in a way that was much softer than her voice sounded.

    “I missed you yesterday, Kathryn. I thought we could steal a few moments now.” He smiled, and ran one hand down her beautiful red hair, enjoying the feel of it on his finger tips. He then moved the hand slowly and gently to her face and stroked her cheek, waiting for her usual warm reaction. He didn’t get it. Kathryn took his hand in both of hers, and placed it gently, but firmly, on his own lap.

    “I really can’t. There’s just too much to do. Maybe tomorrow we can take some time for ourselves, but I just have too many command decisions to deal with right now. Just look at the pile of PADDs on my desk.” She sighed and looked as harried as she sounded.

    He looked at the desk. There were quite a few PADDs, but not that many more than usual for the time of day. Perhaps she was just feeling stressed. He could certainly help with that.

    “Give me half of your PADDs, and I’ll do the necessary responses and record keeping.” This was not unusual. It was his job to vet the requests and notices before handing them on to the Captain if they needed her say. Usually they didn’t. It seemed odd that she hadn’t passed these on to him already.

    “No, that’s okay. I can handle it. I just need the time. It looks like I’ll end up spending the rest of the day in here.” She looked at her desk while speaking.

    “Kathryn, let me do my job. At least let me take half of the PADDs back to my office and I’ll look them over. I could save you a lot of work, and then we could steal some time now, or later, or…” He smiled the smile he knew she couldn’t resist, ensuring that she saw the dimples as well as hearing the desire in his voice.

    “All right, I’ll give you some of the work. It’s just that everything that has to be gone through today is so…dense.” She stood up to move to her desk.

    Chakotay took hold of her arm and pulled her back down to the couch.

    “Kathryn, don’t be in such a hurry. We’re alone, and we can have some time just for us right now. Like I said, I’ve missed you.” He leaned over and began kissing her neck, right above her uniform and began working his way up, laying down the gentle kisses he knew she enjoyed. He put both arms around her, and drew her towards him as his lips moved from her neck, across her cheek and to her mouth.

    Instead of a kiss, the next thing that Chakotay felt was Kathryn’s hands on his chest, pushing him away yet again.

    “Chakotay – please: I don’t have time for anything like this now. And someone might come in.”

    “Why would that be a problem? Everyone knows we’re a couple. They won’t be offended by our kissing,” he whispered in her ear. He began to move towards her lips again. This time she pushed harder against his chest until he let her out of his arms.

    “I’m sorry, but I just can’t. I need to be alone here in order to get things done.” This she said as she stood up and headed for her desk.

    Once again Chakotay was in a bad mood. At least yesterday she simply hadn’t been there. Now she’d physically pushed him away. She had never done that before, except when she was teasing him. This just wasn’t like her.

    “Kathryn,” he began as he walked towards her desk and stood in front of it, “alright, I’ll go. You can give me the PADDs and I’ll leave. But I want you to answer one question first.”

    “What is it?” she said, as she sorted the PADDs and handed a few to him.

    “What’s going on? You’re not acting like yourself today. Something must be bothering you. I’m not only your partner, I’m also your First Officer. I want to help.” His offer was sincere, and she must have known it.

    “I know your position on this ship. I gave it to you. Nothing is going on.” She was withdrawing further into herself now, and sounded annoyed. He knew that tone, and that sharp little sentence meant that they were about to have an argument. He wanted to snap back at her, but chose not to. He wasn’t giving in to her odd behaviour.

    “Fine. I’ll check in with you later, Captain.” He turned and walked out before she could respond to the nasty way he’d said her title.

    ***************************************


    Chakotay put the cup of herbal tea on the desk in his office and prepared for the work at hand. Picking up the first PADD, he took a deep breath and prepared himself for some big decisions, possibly some bad news, and a fair bit of time spent stuck sitting in his chair to get everything done. If Kathryn had found all this time-consuming and difficult, he knew he would too.

    The first PADD contained a request from Engineering, specifically Ensign Vorik. Great, Chakotay mused to himself, just the person he wanted to be reminded of right then. Vorik had a request that was very long and wordy and yet strangely concise:

    To: Command, either Captain Janeway or Commander Chakotay, or both if the issue should warrant:

    Request from: Engineering: Ensign Vorik:

    Captain:

    I have a proposal that will allow me at least an extra half hour in every three week rotation. Over a year, the time saved will be significant. I know that personal grooming is not of importance to Command, as long as individuals are dressed in proper uniform and showing respect for such. However, as I am an officer, I feel that I should make this request through Command to ensure that I am not doing a disservice to others on the ship. As an officer, I am aware that I serve as an example for all, especially those below me in rank. It is with all this in mind that I request permission to have my hair cut on a four week rotation instead of a three week one. I await your answer, which will be final. If my plan is detrimental to the smooth operation of the ship in any way, then I will desist with further considerations about the length of my hair. Thank you for considering my request,

    Ensign Vorik, Engineering.

    CC: Chief Engineer B’Elanna Torres

    Addendum: From Chief Engineer B’Elanna Torres: See what I have to deal with????

    Chakotay looked the request over a second time, just to make sure that he hadn’t misread it. He hadn’t. Vorik was actually requesting permission to have his hair cut less frequently. What was wrong with that Vulcan anyway? Was he bucking for a promotion? Chakotay shook his head, musing that having one’s hair cut had very little to do with performance on the job. It wasn’t as though the Ensign had long hair that hung in his eyes or some such.

    It was an easy decision: Chakotay responded ‘yes’ to both Vorik’s request and B’Elanna’s comment.

    Obviously Kathryn had passed this one on to him because it was too frivolous for the Captain to deal with. Fine; he had dealt with such things before. It was his job, after all. He steeled himself for the next PADD, preparing for some arduous request or report that would lead to conflict between crew members, or at least something that would have been more of a challenge than Vorik’s hair.

    This time he read a request for information from Megan Delaney. She stated that it was really a request from both her and her sister, but as it was her turn to put in requests like this, she was signing her name for both of them. Chakotay felt it was rather ironic that he had moved from one person who had been part of his embarrassing moment early yesterday morning to the next two. He read on.

    To: Commander Chakotay

    From: Megan Delaney

    Question: What is the appropriate dress for walking in the ship’s corridors while off duty? Is it considered alright to be naked from the waist down? (:

    Okay, that one was aimed at him. Ha ha. It was probably only supposed to be seen by him, but it was too flippant to be labeled FYEO. He wasn’t at all happy to read it, but then again, it looked like the two women were trying to make a joke out of the whole incident. Maybe they were trying to put him at ease about the whole thing. If that was the case, then they deserved an appropriate response:

    To: Megan Delaney,

    From: Commander Chakotay:

    Under no circumstances should one be in the hallways, on or off duty, without having one’s privates covered. If the fabric necessary for such is caught on a tool kit, then the indecent person will be sent to me for discipline. I assure you that the offending (crew) member has been punished to the full extent of my authority.

    Check Star Fleet R & R for exact information on proper dress at all times, under any circumstances.

    Commander Chakotay

    PS: Please desist from any further use of emoticons - for any reason - in official communications. ☺

    The PADD after Megan Delaney’s was a rather bizarre request for an alteration to quarters on a lower level.

    To: Captain Janeway:

    From: Crewman Todd:

    Request for an alteration to current quarters:

    I am asking permission to reinforce the ceiling of my quarters in order to hang a device capable of holding up the weight of at least two persons. Diagram of said device attached. In no way would this device affect my performance on the job, nor would it affect the performance of others on the job.

    Thank you.

    Crewman Todd, Sanitation

    The so-called diagram that was included in the request was a hand-drawn picture of what looked like an oversized child’s swing, with two figures sitting in it, facing each other.

    This one required yet another simple answer.

    To: Crewman Todd, Sanitation

    From: Commander Chakotay:

    Voyager was not built with a playground in mind for anyone’s quarters. If you wish to pursue the activities suggested by your message and diagram, reserve time on the holodeck.

    Commander Chakotay

    He was grateful that the diagram had shown only stick figures. The whole thing had been inappropriate enough as it was. Chakotay was glad that he’d been the one to read it, and not Kathryn. Still, this would hardly have been a challenging decision for her either.

    There. That was done. The next PADD would have to contain something more important. He picked it up and scanned the information on it. And then he scanned the next one. Everything was either very easy to deal with, or simply routine and mundane. This sort of thing wouldn’t have taken Kathryn more than an hour or so to deal with. If this was what was keeping her trapped in her ready room and unable to spend time with him, then there was definitely something wrong. He decided to talk to Kathryn immediately, and find out what it was.

    ****************************************


    When he got to her ready room, Kathryn wasn’t there. Once again this was an unexpected absence. If she was so busy, why would she have left? The only thing he could think of was that she had decided to work from her quarters. She had mentioned wanting some time alone. This time he wasn’t running all over the ship to find her.

    “Computer, where is Captain Janeway?”

    “Captain Janeway is in the mess hall.”

    Okay, if the talk was going to happen there, then he would head to the mess hall.

    Chakotay found the mess hall virtually empty. A couple of female crewmembers sat at the far end, eating a snack of some sort and quietly talking. Other than that, the place seemed empty.

    “Captain, are you here?” He felt silly saying such a thing over the counter when he couldn’t see anyone, but his effort was rewarded. Kathryn stood up from behind the counter.

    “Chakotay. What can I do for you, Commander?” she was all business, despite having popped up like a jack-in-the-box.

    “Were you sitting on the floor behind the counter?” Chakotay had to ask. Finally she was the one in a potentially embarrassing situation. Good thing it was he who found her, and not Vorik or anyone else.

    “Yes. Yes I was,” she replied, pushing a loose strand of hair out of her face. “I had to do some thinking. It was convenient. I wanted coffee and didn’t bother to go back to the ready room.” Even Kathryn didn’t sound too convinced by that statement.

    Chakotay was beginning to find this all very funny – until Neelix stood up next to Kathryn.

    “Hello, Commander. Can I get you anything?” Neelix offered, in his usual genial tone.

    Chakotay looked from one to the other before speaking.

    “No thank you Neelix. I just need to talk to the Captain.” He turned to head towards the door, believing that Kathryn would join him. For some reason he didn’t want to look at Neelix again. He turned and looked, only to see Kathryn say something quietly to the Talaxian before she left the mess hall.

    They headed down the corridor together, and Chakotay assumed that she would be headed back to the ready room. He didn’t start any conversation until they were in the turbo lift. Kathryn hadn’t seemed to really be paying much attention to him, she seemed to be daydreaming or thinking of something more important. Chakotay ordered the turbo lift to halt.

    He turned and looked directly at her.

    “What was that all about?” He kept his voice calm.

    “What was what all about?” She asked, her voice sounding completely innocent, as if she always sat on the floor behind the mess hall counter when doing business with ship personnel.

    “You know what. That whole story about wanting coffee and then sitting down behind the counter for convenience doesn’t really hold water. The Captain just doesn’t do such things, and you don’t have a cup of coffee with you.” She couldn’t argue with him about that.

    “Oh, Chakotay, I was just talking with Neelix. He wanted me to go over some new menus with him, and it just seemed easiest to sit on the floor at the time, as Neelix wanted to be in the kitchen to keep an eye on something that he was cooking. I was just too damned tired to keep standing. Does that pass muster with you?” She was looking accusingly at him, as if he’d done something incriminating.

    “Okay. Fine. I’ll accept that. But since when does Neelix pass recipes or menus past you? As Captain, you don’t have time for that. It’s not important enough for you to take time out of your workday for.”

    She was clearly getting annoyed with him, he could tell just by the way her eyes seemed to change a shade darker.

    “Computer, resume turbo lift. You know, Chakotay, I don’t have to explain why I’m talking to anyone at any time to you. As Captain, I can talk to whoever I feel I need to talk to. As your partner, my conversations with anyone, anytime, are my choice. I don’t answer to you. But since you seem to require an answer, here it is: Neelix had a request and I talked to him. I don’t see how it matters to you one way or the other.” She looked away, no longer willing to make eye contact.

    “Computer: halt turbo lift. It matters to me, Kathryn, because I’m concerned about you. You said you had too much work to do, yet the PADDs you gave me contained nothing important or urgent. You said you’d be in your ready room for all of your watch, yet you left to go to the mess hall. You left our bed early yesterday morning and I haven’t had three minutes to talk to you all day. Come to think of it, it’s beginning to feel like you’re avoiding me.” He realized that he was hurt, and he allowed that to come through in his voice.

    “Chakotay, you’re just making a big deal out of nothing. It’s just been a busy couple of days. I’m not avoiding you; I’m just doing what I need to do. If I were avoiding you, you’d know it. Computer, resume turbo lift.”

    “Computer: halt turbo lift. What do you mean by that?”

    “Computer, resume turbo lift. Nothing. I’m not avoiding you, I promise.” This time she looked at him and gave him that lovely lopsided smile of hers.

    He really found it hard to resist that smile, and he felt his irritation melt away as he looked at her. Still, this was a very odd conversation.

    “Computer: halt turbo lift. I was just concerned that I’d done something to upset you. I trust that if I ever did, you would tell me so that we could work it out.”

    “Of course I would.” She moved in closer to him, smiling more, and looking at his mouth. She reached up and ran her fingers down his jaw line. Chakotay leaned down, put his arms around her small frame, and pressed his lips against hers for the first time in what felt like ages. It was a lovely, belated moment, and he felt that he needed it just then. Sadly, it didn’t last long.

    “Torres to Captain Janeway.” The chief engineer’s voice called over Kathryn’s com badge. She moved away from Chakotay to answer.

    “Go ahead.”

    “Captain, you’re in the turbo lift between the mess hall and the bridge, correct?”

    “That’s correct.”

    “Please stay where you are, Captain. There appears to be a problem with the turbo lift. I keep getting readings saying that it is stopping and starting at a staggering rate. Are you alright?”

    “I’m fine, Lieutenant, and so is… my companion. We were having a conversation and found that the turbo lift was a bit…” she looked at Chakotay, aware of what all the crew assumed a couple was doing in a turbo lift and knew they didn’t want to make that impression, “sticky. It’s fine now. Janeway out. Computer, resume turbo lift.”

    Chakotay wasn’t about to give up that easily.

    “Computer: halt turbo lift.

    “I believe our ‘conversation’ was interrupted….” He moved in as if to kiss her again.

    “I’m sorry, Chakotay,” she replied, “but I don’t think that we can pick up where we left off this time.

    “Computer: resume turbo lift.”

    “We can talk in your ready room, if you like.” Chakotay smiled his most mischievous smile at her.

    “I don’t think so,” Kathryn said, putting her right hand on her stomach, “Right now all that starting and stopping has left me feeling a bit space sick…”


    *************************************************

    DAY THREE:

    He hadn’t seen Kathryn at all on the day following the conversation in the turbo lift, but he hadn’t minded that much. He understood that she was tired and needed time alone once in a while. Still, he had missed her. It was very unusual not to see her at all, and her wanting to sleep alone was also quite strange. However, everything was going to be put right again, as she’d promised to join him for dinner the next evening. He was looking forward to the time alone with her more than he could say.

    DAY FOUR:


    Chakotay put a bit more fresh tarragon into the thick vegetable stew, grateful that he’d had enough replicator rations to put the finishing touches on the good, homemade meal he’d prepared just for Kathryn and himself. He had replicated the wine, the dessert – mocha mousse, one of Kathryn’s favourites – and had gotten real vegetables and herbs from the airponics bay. He’d even put real candles on the table, over a freshly replicated and delicately floral table cloth. The day had not been great, he’d only seen Kathryn in passing on the bridge, but he was looking forward to having a fine meal and an evening just for them.

    As he poured out the second glass of wine at the table, his com badge beeped. Damn.

    “Chakotay here.” He didn’t have much of a choice, he had to respond.

    “Chakotay, I have to apologize, but I’m going to be a bit late. I’m just finishing up something, and I’ll be at your quarters in about fifteen or twenty minutes,” Kathryn said, sounding rushed.

    “Is it possible to be a bit quicker? I’ve made dinner and I don’t want to have to warm it over.” The dinner would be fine, he realized. He was just so tired of not having time with her. Even fifteen minutes out of their evening was too much.

    “I’ll do the best I can, but you’d better be prepared for me to be late. Janeway out.”

    Was it his imagination, or did she just sound a bit snappish? Perhaps it was because of whatever was holding her up. Gods forbid that his answer hadn’t gotten to Vorik in time, and that the Ensign was discussing, right now, the length of his hair with her and how it damaged crew morale. Perhaps she had to finish up something he could have helped with, but didn’t want to bother him as she knew he was making dinner. He figured that it was his responsibility to see if he could help. He didn’t want to interfere directly, but he could show up at her ready room and help her get away from whatever or whoever was interfering with their time together. On second thought, she could be anywhere.

    “Computer, locate Captain Janeway.” It was a perfectly normal, reasonable request, and he didn’t think twice about asking until he received the answer.

    “Captain Janeway is in the mess hall.”

    Again?

    She must have had some sort of meeting with someone there. Or not - Kathryn never met anyone in the mess hall to discuss anything if it was busy. This was certainly still the dinner hour. Neelix would be serving some sort of neola root concoction for the crew. This just didn’t make sense. She was joining him in his quarters for dinner, so she didn’t need a snack. She wouldn’t even need coffee, as she knew he’d have a fresh pot of replicated ground brewing for after desert. Unless there was some sort of emergency in the mess hall, she really had no reason to be there.

    He was becoming very agitated again, when he realized that he was questioning Kathryn’s motives and actions. He had never done so in the past, not like this, and there was no reason for him to do so now. She was the Captain of this ship, as they both well knew, and it was her business what she did on her watch, or even at the end of it. He decided that he wasn’t even going to mention the lost time together. He just wanted things to be quiet and non-stressful. Perhaps she was ensuring that very situation right now.

    Still, Chakotay was rather annoyed when Kathryn showed up forty minutes later than planned. He’d already drunk a glass of wine, and the stew had lost some of its heat for having had to wait so long. He found it hard not to say something.

    “You’re a lot later than you said you’d be, Kathryn. What happened?” He had kept his voice even, trying not to show his irritation.

    “Nothing important. I just had to go over some things with Harry before he went off of his watch. We were just stuck on the bridge for too long. I apologize. I’m sorry for being late. I hope that dinner will still taste the same – it smells wonderful.”

    On the bridge? That wasn’t true, and he knew it. He decided to serve the stew for now, and see how things developed. Maybe she had been on the bridge for part of the time, and in the mess hall for another part. Not his business, he reminded himself. He tried to keep an edge off of his voice as he spoke.

    “The stew will have lost some of its heat. I had to turn the temperature down to very low to keep it from reducing too much. I trust that won’t bother you?”

    “Not at all. I’m so hungry I could eat a pile of raw leola roots without gagging right now.” She brightened up considerably at the change of topic.

    He didn’t.

    “I trust that my stew will be better than anything made with leola roots. I didn’t just throw it together without thinking, you know.” This time he couldn’t keep his voice completely steady. He felt insulted that his food would be compared to any damned leola root mess that Neelix would serve.

    “I didn’t mean to imply anything about your cooking. I always look forward to the meals you put together.”

    “Good,” he said, as he put the plate of still warm stew in front of her, giving her a humourless smile at the same time.

    “I hope it still has enough heat to taste as it should. At least it should be better than whatever is on offer in the mess hall.”

    “Oh, I don’t know. I think some of the stuff Neelix has been making lately hasn’t been so bad.” She scooped up a forkful of his stew and checked it gingerly for temperature. When she realized the food was only tepid, she took the whole thing in one bite.

    “This is really good,” she said, after swallowing her first bite, “not nearly warm enough for my taste, but it is very good.” She took another mouthful, not noticing his glare.

    Chakotay couldn’t believe she’d mentioned how cold the food was.

    “Glad you like it. I put a lot of time and effort into it: real vegetables from airponics, including the herbs. Spices, of course, had to be replicated. That shouldn’t bother you too much.”

    Kathryn laid her fork down carefully and said, in measured tones, “As I said, it’s very good. Thank you for going to all the effort.”

    “No effort. None at all; at least not any that would really matter.” He sat back, looking at her across the table.

    “What is that supposed to mean? You’re upset because I’m late? I told you I’d be late. It’s not like I can always just run off whenever I want to.” Now she was angry too, challenging him with her voice and body language.

    “Not an hour late. You said twenty minutes, at the most. I had to keep the stew on just so it wasn’t cold when you got here.” He tilted his chair back, but was careful to keep eye contact. He wasn’t backing down any time soon.

    “I was only half an hour late, at the most. I’m the Captain, for God’s sake. Sometimes I get held up.” She pushed her chair away from the table.

    “Yes, you are the Captain. Everything you say and do reminds me of that. Some times I wonder if you will ever let your guard down long enough for me to really understand you.” He tilted the chair back a little farther, and crossed his arms, clearly showing how he felt.

    “That’s not fair, Chakotay. You know damned well that I let my guard down around you. You also know that sometimes I’m going to be late getting off my watch. I could be late for dinner, I could be late for hiking in the holodeck and I could be late making it to your bed!” She stood up and leaned forward across the table towards him.

    “Don’t remind me. I wish I could get replicator rations for every minute I’ve had to wait for you.” He was raising his voice.

    Kathryn glared daggers at him, and leaned further forward.

    “You know, I’m not at all hungry anymore. I hope you enjoy the rest of your meal.”

    “Kathryn, don’t do this now. I have a reason to be upset. ” He did, and he felt she should be aware that she was in the wrong. What he really wanted was an apology.

    “Don’t ‘do this now’?” she snarled. “If you didn’t want to be with someone who might be late once in a while, then you shouldn’t be with the Captain!” She made it clear that she was leaving, even throwing the linen napkin she’d been holding onto the table.

    Before the door closed behind her, Chakotay tried to learn back further in his chair, showing that he didn’t care. That was a bad move. He scrambled to keep himself from falling to the floor and grabbed onto the tablecloth in order to do so.

    In hindsight, this had not been his best move of the day. The tablecloth didn’t give any support at all; it just went down with him and brought its entire contents tumbling around – and onto - him. Both glasses of wine even seemed to aim for him as they toppled over. He sat up, covered by the remains of the meal he’d been so careful with just a couple of hours before.



    Chakotay had taken about half an hour to clean up the mess in his quarters. Another half hour was spent on cleaning himself up, replicating a new uniform and sulking.

    He was really put out by Kathryn’s behaviour. She was simply not behaving like herself. He had no idea why, but he needed to know. If it was something he’d done, he’d need to know what it was in order to ensure that it never happened again. If it was something else, maybe he could help. He was forgiving by nature, and really only wanted things to go well between the two of them.

    He took one last look at his hair in his bedroom mirror, and then resolved to talk to Kathryn straight away. He didn’t believe in going to bed angry. She probably wouldn’t want to talk to him if he hailed her and asked, so he chose to simply show up at her quarters and refuse to be turned away. If she didn’t want to talk, fine. But she was going to have to listen. He wanted her to know that he was willing and ready to work at repairing any and all damage that had been done to their relationship. He wanted to prove that he was more than willing to accept her with all her faults, and forgive her for the worst of them. In return, of course, he expected the same.

    Chakotay pulled his uniform into place one last time, and marched out the door and down the corridor to Kathryn’s quarters. He stood outside the door out of courtesy, and waited for her to let him know he could come in. This wasn’t necessary, as they both had free entry to each others’ living spaces. He waited some time after hearing the chime sound from inside the suite before Kathryn responded.

    Kathryn’s muffled “who is it?” came back in answer to the chime. Usually she would have just said, ‘come,’ regardless of who it was. Tonight she may have decided not to deal with anyone else. She had said she wanted to be alone tonight, more than once.

    “It’s me, Kathryn. We need to talk.” He stated loudly to the closed doors.

    “Just a minute, give me a moment here.” She responded.

    He stood waiting in the hallway, feeling foolish. If anyone came along, they’d certainly know that something was amiss between the two of them. It just never happened that he stood and waited for permission to enter anymore. He reached his breaking point, thinking about the Delaney sisters appearing in the same corridor yesterday. He certainly didn’t need anymore uncomfortable moments with anyone. He walked into Kathryn’s quarters, and into yet another uncomfortable moment.

    Kathryn was sitting on her couch, still in full uniform but with her jacket open, and looking rather annoyed. Surprisingly, sitting next to Kathryn, was Neelix, who just looked outright embarrassed.

    “Commander,” said Neelix, “I...uh…was just uh…hmmm…. Now what was I just doing? Oh yes, I was leaving. Good night, Captain, Commander.” And with that, Neelix scooted out the door.

    “What was that?” Chakotay asked, a little more gruffly than he had planned.

    “What do you mean ‘what was that?’ That was clearly Neelix, and he was leaving. He at least knows how to behave in someone else’s place, which seems to be more than you know at the moment. Why didn’t you wait for me to let you in before you entered?” Kathryn sat back on the sofa, crossed her arms and stared at him from under a knit brow.

    “Come on, Kathryn. We haven’t made each other wait like that for a long time. I didn’t want anyone else to see me standing idly around. You’re also changing the topic. What was Neelix doing here? I thought you were planning on spending the rest of the evening alone?” Chakotay made no attempt to hide his annoyance and hurt.

    “Plans change. What did you want to see me for?” This was the Captain speaking, not his Kathryn, his lover, his partner. She had turned the warm side of herself off completely after he’d entered.

    “I thought we should talk. You know I don’t like to leave things hanging, and I really think we need to work this out.” He was still standing, but at least he was making an effort.

    “Do we have to do that now? I’m tired. I’ve had a busy day. I just want to be left alone and get some sleep. Maybe we can talk tomorrow.” As she looked at him, her tone softened, “I promise I’ll put some time aside tomorrow evening, so we can talk and be together. Okay?” The last word wasn’t really a question. Making it one was simply a courtesy. Chakotay knew that, and also knew that when Kathryn decided to be stubborn about something, no one could get her to change her mind. He decided to pick his battles carefully.

    “Fine: tomorrow. But if we don’t see each other to talk before bedtime, I will insist that we do. I will not allow this thing to drag on.” He couldn’t let her have the last word at this point.

    “Fine. Tomorrow then. Good-night, Chakotay.” She was still sitting on the couch, still glaring at him.

    “Alright: tomorrow. Good-night, Kathryn.” He really wanted to talk, but realized that tonight they’d get nowhere. She didn’t have a choice about tomorrow though. He’d make sure of that.

    As Chakotay left Kathryn’s quarters, he was rather shocked to see Neelix coming back down the corridor. The little alien look a bit uncomfortable, as though he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

    “Neelix, I thought you’d left for the night?” Chakotay had to ask.

    “Oh, I did Commander, I did. But it turns out that I forgot my…uh…now what was that again? Oh, yes, I forgot something of mine in the Captain’s quarters.” Neelix scuttled past Chakotay, zipping over to the door of Kathryn’s quarters. He heard the chime, and her crisp ‘come’, allowing Neelix entry.

    Chakotay kept walking, but he was beginning to form a theory that he never, ever thought he would have formed in a million years. Kathryn was far too devoted, and Neelix was far too….well…Neelix.

    The nasty proposition kept forming in his mind as he turned to walk into his own quarters. It really was too bad that he wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing, and instead looking back down the corridor towards Kathryn’s quarters. He turned to look at his door just as he stepped forward. Too bad he hadn’t actually quite reached his door yet. He really rather would have had more sleep that night than have to spend time with the Doctor.



    Fortunately for Chakotay, the Doctor made house calls.

    “And just how did you manage to get a black eye while walking to your quarters? Were you not paying attention to what you were doing?” asked the Doctor, as he moved the medical tricorder above Chakotay’s face to get a reading for the injury.

    “No, I wasn’t. I was thinking about something else.” Chakotay said. He decided that the Doctor hadn’t sounded this insufferable for a long time.

    “I see. And just what was so important that it engaged your thoughts so fully that you managed to walk into the wall next to your door?” The Doctor almost seemed to smirk.

    Change of subject needed, Chakotay decided.

    “Nothing for you to worry about. Doctor, mind if I ask you a question?” Chakotay was working very hard at coming up with something to ask.

    “No, not at all. What is it you wish to ask, Commander?”

    Then Chakotay had a brainstorm. With any luck, he would be able to figure something out without the Doctor catching on as to why he was asking.

    “Do you miss Kes?” He knew that she was a touchy subject, but he couldn’t think of a kinder way to put it.

    The Doctor put down his tricorder before speaking in a quiet voice.

    “Yes, of course I do. I feel her absence every day. I particularly feel it when I’m having self-doubts or problems dealing with other members of the crew. Then there’s the fact that I miss her terribly whenever I have to work with Mr. Paris. Why do you ask?” He sounded gentler now, and Chakotay was able to drop his defensive stance.

    “I was just wondering. I know that I miss her a great deal, and so does Kathryn.” This was the truth, and Chakotay felt it to his core. He missed Kes, but even more, he hated that her absence hurt Kathryn so much. They’d seemed to have an especially close bond, and Kathryn never did get that close to anyone, excepting himself.

    “I believe we all miss her. She was an extraordinary individual: kind, caring, brilliant, wise beyond her years and very beautiful. I don’t mind saying it, now that she’s gone and now that there’s no chance of Mr. Neelix getting upset with me for speaking of her virtues. I miss her a great deal.” The Doctor’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper.

    “I’m sorry, Doctor. It almost sounds like you were in love with her…” he left it open, so the Doctor could choose what to say next.

    “Maybe, a little,” the Doctor spoke as he ran the necessary mechanisms for healing just above Chakotay’s face. “But while she was with Mr. Neelix, I would never have said anything. They were very close for a long time. It wouldn’t have been appropriate.” Was that a bit of regret that Chakotay detected in the hologram’s voice?

    “Yes, they were. I always thought they had one of the great romances; the kind that could endure anything. I was very surprised when she chose to end their relationship.” Chakotay was hoping to turn the conversation around, to find any hints that would help him make up his mind about what had been going on with Kathryn lately.

    “There. Your eye is back to normal. You need some sleep, and perhaps a mild anti-inflammatory in the morning, but you’re as good as new.

    “As to the subject of Kes and Neelix, I never really understood it. I could certainly see what he saw in her, but I was never sure what she saw in him. Then she told me one day. It wasn’t just that he had rescued her, it was also… Never mind. I really must be going.”

    “Wait, Doctor. I know that he rescued her. But what else could they have had in common? What was there that held them together for so long?” The Doctor had been about to say something and Chakotay couldn’t let it go.

    “Well, if you must know, he was the first man she ever loved. That means a lot to an Ocampan. After all, if one only lives for nine years, one doesn’t have a great deal of time to play the field, as they say. And Talaxians have special, shall we say, ‘abilities’ in some areas.” The Doctor finished packing up his bag, and was ready to leave.

    “Abilities? What sort of abilities?” Chakotay had to know. This was getting far too suspicious for him.

    “I really shouldn’t say. I don’t want to betray anyone’s trust.”

    “Quite right. I’m sorry if I was being pushy,” Chakotay gave a sigh of disappointment. Clearly he wasn’t going to learn what he wanted to.

    Or was he? The Doctor had paused, thinking a moment, then spoke quite quickly.

    “I won’t mention anyone or anything specific, you understand. I’m just commenting about Talaxians in general. According to their medical database, Talaxian males are, well, greatly endowed. And they have talents to match. There is almost no record of a female Talaxian leaving her mate. It just doesn’t happen. As far as Kes was concerned,” he had clearly decided that he was mentioning someone specific, “Neelix was a commendable lover. She never gave me details, of course. Not my business. But let’s just say that there was more than one reason for her contented and happy outlook on life.

    “I would never have done anything inappropriate, you understand. But I also felt that, in one area at least, I never could have competed with Mr. Neelix. I may have the disarmingly good looks and the charm, but I hadn’t been with anyone when I met Kes. I was too timid to try a romantic relationship with her after she and Neelix had broken up.” The Doctor sounded wistful, and Chakotay couldn’t help but feel for him.

    “I’m sorry to hear that, Doctor.”

    “That’s all right, Commander. I know that Kes had to move on. I also know that being with Denara Pel was wonderful for me. That relationship ultimately led to my being able to save you and the Captain when you were stranded on New Earth. I wouldn’t have been involved with Denara if I had been with Kes, so all has worked out for the best.” The Doctor left Chakotay on that more cheerful note.

    Chakotay couldn’t have felt less like being cheerful at that moment. All he could think about was that every time he had had to search for Kathryn that week she had been with Neelix.


    ******************************

    DAY FIVE:

    Chakotay was grim-faced as he tromped down the corridor toward holodeck one. He had tried to talk to Kathryn again today, ready to try and smooth things out, only to find her in her ready room with…again…Neelix. He’d had enough of all this. Now he was determined to confront her, to find out what was really going on, to at least have her come clean with him. Maybe there were reasons for all the time spent with Neelix. Maybe she really had been too busy to see him. And maybe, just maybe, back home on dear green Earth, pigs had actually grown wings and learned to fly.

    The only way she had time to talk with him today, she’d said earlier, was if he could go to holodeck one at nineteen hundred hours. She was going to be there with B’Elanna, trying to figure out why the holodeck was showing such a huge drain on energy supplies when it was actually turned off for maintenance. He had said that he wanted to see her alone, to which she had replied that she’d ask the engineer to leave when he arrived. The two women were hoping to at least have the situation figured out by then, even if it wasn’t fixed. Chakotay had checked earlier that day and, indeed, the holodeck had been drawing power while it was shut down. It all sounded reasonable, until one wondered why the Captain had to be there. Kathryn was a hands-on person, but that sort of thing hardly needed her expertise. She wasn’t even that knowledgeable about the operations of the holodeck. Still, he could understand her wanting to get off the bridge or out of her ready room from time to time. His only real concern about the whole thing was that Neelix might be there. If that was indeed the case, he may just have to break the Talaxian’s neck.

    He was rounding a corner not far from the holodeck when Tom Paris suddenly accosted him from behind.

    “Commander, I have to speak with you, it’s urgent!” Tom spat out, breathless from running to catch up with Chakotay.

    “This had better be important. I don’t really have time for anything right now,” Chakotay replied.

    “Oh, believe me, this is important,” Tom seemed to hesitate for a moment, then continued, “really, really important. So important that I need to see you in person; I didn’t feel that using the com was a good idea, so I came here to talk with you.”

    Chakotay had slowed down when Tom had gained his attention. Now he stopped and turned to look Paris full in the eye.

    “So what is it, Lieutenant?” He asked, in his sternest tone.

    “Uh...ah...sir – we’re about to encounter a new race, and you need to be briefed on it. Them, I mean, them. You need to be briefed on them,” Tom stated, with a lot of hesitation in his voice.

    “Alright, Tom, go ahead. But I want you to realize that I don’t understand why you are briefing me instead of us being at a proper meeting in the conference room, nor do I understand why you’re briefing me here in a corridor. This had better be good. You’ve got one minute to explain yourself, and then I have to go. Is that clear?” Chakotay obviously didn’t want to give Tom the whole minute, nor did he want Tom to get the idea that this sort of unusual behaviour was within the bounds of protocol or even acceptable in any way.

    “Well, it’s like this: the new race we are about to meet tend to be rather xenophobic. We need to be extra careful how we proceed with first contact. Also, they have a lot of weapons, big weapons, weapons of mass distraction.” Tom seemed to be trying hard to find his words.

    “ ‘Weapons of mass distraction?’ What the hell are you talking about, Tom?” Chakotay glared at Paris.

    “Sorry, sir. Obviously I meant ‘mass destruction.’ These people are ready to meet us, but they want to…uh…search us first. You know, the ship, and anyone who goes down to their planet. It seems rather odd; we’ve never had full body searches before.” Tom managed to spit out.

    “So what does the Captain have to say about all this?” Chakotay asked.

    Tom reached up and scratched the back of his neck before replying.

    “She told me to come here and brief you?” It sounded more like a question than a statement when Tom said it.

    “Tom, I don’t have time to be the butt of one of your practical jokes. Unless you have something important to say, don’t say anything more. I’m late for a meeting.” Chakotay turned and began striding down the corridor again.

    “No, sir, wait!” Tom shouted, catching up with Chakotay.

    Chakotay slowed his stride a little, but didn’t stop.

    “So what’s the name of this race, Lieutenant?”

    “It’s an unusual name, Commander. A really unusual name. I believe they’re called the …ah…let me see…” Tom seemed to be searching for his words again. He tilted his head back and tapped his chin with his index finger while trying to think.

    Chakotay’s patience came to an end.

    “Tom: enough. If there’s anything I need to know about any new race, I’m sure I’ll be briefed in time. If not, and this is a practical joke, you should know that I’ve had more than enough of this.” He had stopped in the hallway again, in order to give Tom his sternest look and strike some fear into him.

    “They’re called the… Re’donions, sir. They are a warrior people, like the Klingons. The Captain just thought you should know that they…uh…” Tom stopped short when his com badge beeped.

    “Never mind sir, I’m sure it’ll all work out.” Tom stated suddenly, as if out of no where.

    “Aren’t you going to answer your com?” Chakotay asked.

    “Yes sir. I’m going to go do that right now. Have a great day. I’ll see you on the bridge tomorrow.” And with that, and a preemptory wave and smile, Tom turned and sprinted off down the corridor ahead of Chakotay, leaving him confused and annoyed at the same time.

    “What about the Re’donions?” he yelled after Tom.

    There was no response, and Chakotay hurried his pace towards the door of holodeck one.

    Chakotay had been mulling over what he needed to say to Kathryn until Tom Paris had confronted him. He had been distracted by Tom, but not sure what to make of the whole conversation. It had been rather silly, even for Tom. “ Re’donions?” Now why did that name not really seem believable? He had pondered that only briefly. Now that he was standing in front of the door to holodeck one, he was thinking about Kathryn again; about their relationship and what had happened to it in just the past few days. He was thinking of Neelix always being with Kathryn and he didn’t want to believe what seemed to be an obvious conclusion.

    He walked up to the holodeck door, and hit it straight on. He stumbled back, letting out a brief expletive before regaining his balance.

    He walked toward the door again, and it still wouldn’t open. Sure, he thought, this won’t open, and Vorik is busy checking doors that work perfectly well. He tapped his comm. badge.

    “Chakotay to Torres.”

    “Torres here. What is it, Chakotay?” she responded, almost immediately.

    “The door to holodeck one won’t open,” he rubbed his nose gingerly, feeling for any real damage.

    “I’m right on it. Stay where you are. Torres out.”

    Fine, he thought, still checking his nose, I’ll just stand here until someone decides to force the door open manually. His nose seemed okay. No blood, no awful cracking, and the throbbing had already begun to be less demanding. He decided that he’d really had enough of waiting and being told where to be and when.

    He walked over to the panel next to the door, opened it and pulled the manual release. The door opened slightly, allowing him to push each side of it until it opened up enough to admit him.

    Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw next. He had expected to see Kathryn and B’Elanna working on the holodeck mechanisms. He had been prepared to see Neelix there. Hell, he’d decided he wouldn’t even be surprised to see Kathryn in Neelix’s arms.

    What he actually saw made him freeze in the doorway with shock and disbelief.

    ~*~


    Chakotay was lying on his side with his back to Kathryn. He just could not take her response any longer. Last night was the first night that they’d shared a bed all week, and it had been wonderful to be together again. Right now it didn’t feel so wonderful.


    **************************************

    He had woken up earlier than she had, and he’d spent a long time just gazing at her while she slept. He’d been looking at her face, thinking about how beautiful she was, and how happy he was when he’d finally been able to think of them being together, as a proper couple. No more of the awkward sexual tension, no more holding back again and again; now it was as he had always wanted. He’d brushed a tendril of her red hair off of her forward, gently, so as not to wake her, and had been startled when she opened her eyes and looked up at him.

    “I didn’t mean to wake you,” he’d said, glad that she was awake anyway.

    “You didn’t. I was just lying here and thinking about last night,” she’d said, with both desire and satisfaction in her voice, “You really didn’t know - about any of it?”

    “No. Not even a hint. I honestly expected to see just you and B’Elanna when the holodeck door opened,” he’d replied. And Neelix, he had thought to himself. How absurd that idea had seemed then. He had always believed that Kathryn was someone who’d be honest and open with him. She was not the type to have an affair. If she had ever wanted to end their relationship, for whatever reason, she would have told him so. That he’d even questioned that knowledge now seemed ridiculous.

    “I’m glad. I really wanted the whole thing to be a surprise,” she’d told him, the expression on her face moving from her charming lopsided smile to a wide, lovely full one.

    “It was. I never expected anything, at least nothing like that. You must have spent ages planning it and putting it together.”

    “Yes, but a lot of the credit goes to the others. Tom wrote the program based on my ideas and what we had brain-stormed earlier. Neelix put the whole dinner together, including the wine. Everyone pitched in with their replicator rations so we could really have a wonderful time. I think everyone enjoyed it almost as much as we did. After all, I couldn’t let our one year anniversary go past without doing something to mark it.” She had reached up and stroked his face with her hand, the light sheet pulling back from her arm and right breast.

    “Tell me, what part did you enjoy the most: the food, the music, the setting?”

    It was a bit of a loaded question, and Chakotay had known it. He’d also known exactly how to respond.

    “I really enjoyed the whole thing,” he had said, with a devilish grin, pulling the sheet down, fully off of her breasts, “but I think I may have enjoyed what came after even more.”

    “You certainly know how to say ‘thank you.’ I’m going to have to plan surprise parties for you more often if that’s how you behave afterwards,” she had stretched a bit, and had snuggled even closer into him.

    “What I really enjoyed the most was the two of us being together,” he had said, taking his turn to touch her cheek and then allow his hand to drift downward as he continued to speak. “I enjoyed having our friends and crew around, and everyone having a good time, but most of all I simply enjoyed being there with you. But I have a couple of questions,” he had hesitated for moment, not sure how she’d respond.

    “Yes?”

    “That morning we both had off, was it you who removed my uniform?”

    “It was,” she grinned up at him. “I just thought that it would slow you down if you had to replicate a new one. I needed time to talk to B’Elanna, Tom and Neelix. I’m sorry about that, by the way. I had no idea that my replicator was off line – again.” She’d rolled her eyes when she’d thought about it. “Next question?”

    “Why, when all the other women were dressed in gowns and dresses for the evening and all the men in suits or tuxedos, did you wear your uniform? It was your dress uniform, granted, and it looks very good on you, but didn’t you want to wear something more in tune with the rest of the crew? Even Seven let her hair down, literally, so it seems odd to me that you weren’t in a ball gown,” he’d handled that smoothly, he’d thought.

    “For a few reasons; some were practical and others less so. We could’ve been called to the bridge at any moment, or had to deal with an emergency. If half the crew were trying to run around in high heels and long skirts –and in some cases, not so long skirts – then I wanted to make sure that the Captain had free mobility. Also, since you didn’t have a chance to get into a tux, I thought you might feel less out of place if I were in uniform.”

    “How could I have felt out of place? After Neelix led the fifth round of “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow”, I had figured out that the party was for me,” he’d said, with a sincere smile.

    “He did go a bit overboard on that, along with the swan boats and violinists for each table, as well as other parts of the décor. I think he was just so enthusiastic about the evening, and about being able to really surprise you.” She’d laughed a bit at that.

    “So what were the less practical reasons for wearing your dress uniform?” he’d asked, getting them back onto the topic of evening wear.

    “I wanted to make a statement. I wanted to tell you, and the crew, that I have never forgotten - not even for a moment - our relative positions on this ship. I spent so many years telling you, and myself, that we couldn’t be together because I was the Captain. I wanted everyone to know that it didn’t matter anymore. I can be the Captain and have you as my partner at the same time. Does that make sense?” She had pulled back to look him more squarely in the eye.

    “Yes, it does. Thank you, love” he had spoken softly, moving in to kiss her softly on the lips.

    She had put her hand on his chest to stall him off for a moment.

    “Chakotay, how did you not know what I was planning? Even if you didn’t guess that there was a party, you must have known something was up. I didn’t have a spare moment to spend with you all week. That’s not like me, and never will be if I can help it. It’s just that every time I turned around someone wanted to know something about the food, or the music, or the setting. I was almost ready to cancel the whole thing when Neelix asked, for the hundredth time, if he could use ‘just one leola root’ somewhere.” She’d then looked back into his dark eyes, waiting for a response.

    “I had thought that things were a bit odd. You’ve never avoided me like that before. Every time you said you wanted to be left alone, I’d no sooner leave than you were with someone else, usually Neelix. I have to admit, I was getting a bit uncomfortable about things, and was going to ask you about that before I knew there was a party. So yes, I thought that something was going on. I just didn’t know what.” He’d leaned in again, moving his free hand up to caress one of her naked breasts, only to encounter both of her hands pushing up on his chest.

    “Wait a minute - you thought that something was going on…what, exactly, did you think was going on?”

    “Oh, I don’t know. It seemed that maybe you were unsure about our relationship. That you wanted to spend more time with other people, especially Neelix.” And then he’d realized what he’d said…

    “You thought I wanted to be with other people? And you thought that one of them was Neelix, as though he were my new best friend?” she’d asked

    “Well, I had seen you with him a lot during the week. Every time I found you, in fact, he was there.”

    “Yes, because I had told him that there were to be no leola roots in anything. He kept trying to put them in somewhere, as ‘a source of good nutrition’,” then she’d paused a moment, scrutinizing his face before continuing. “Chakotay, you can’t have seriously thought that I didn’t want to be with you - I was just so busy. And why Neelix of all people? He’s an important member of our crew, but a little bit of Neelix’s enthusiasm can go a long way, especially when it’s about the same thing over and over.”

    “That’s why I thought you wanted to be with Neelix. How else could you have put up with him so often? Every time I found you, even after you’d said you wanted to be alone, he was there. He was in your ready room, or you were in the mess hall, or he was even in your quarters. I couldn’t find you without finding Neelix. What else was I supposed to think?” his expression had become one of pleading at that point.

    “Chakotay, you didn’t actually think…” Kathryn had paused, having to take a deep breath, “you didn’t actually think that I wanted to…to be with Neelix, did you? That I was having an affair with…” She had seemed to be working at not hurting his feelings, but she just couldn’t hold it in. It had taken her no time to go from trying to keep her composure to losing it all together. She’d thrown her head back, smacked him on the arm playfully and had howled her laughter to the stars outside.

    Gasping for breath, she’d tried to speak, but had only managed a garbled “with Neelix?” before succumbing to hysterics again.

    Chakotay had gotten the distinct impression that this was a ‘laughing at,’ not a ‘laughing with,’ moment.

    ********************************



    That was when he’d rolled over to turn away from her. He couldn’t take the direct laughter any more. He wasn’t going to turn over again until she stopped and did something to convince him that staying there with her would be worth his while. He was going to make her work for it this time around. He smiled to himself at the thought, realizing how silly the whole thing had been, and decided that even if he was going to be laughed at on occasion, it was well worth it if it meant that he could have this wonderful woman in his life and in his bed.

    He just really hoped he didn’t have to wait too much longer for her stop laughing. That was definitely not the activity he’d thought they’d be doing this morning. If she had to laugh at him, at least it was due to a reasonable cause. Well, he thought to himself, this was better than if she’d been laughing at him during the anticipated events - thank the Spirits that that had never happened!

    ************************************

    The End.

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