"Days Of Wine And Roses"
by GillyH

My answer to an old JetC17 challenge piece: write a story where a book of some sort figures in the plot. I chose Chakotay's private journal. *WARNING* UNFINISHED, BUT A WORK IN PROGRESS. Also, sand, sea, silliness, sap and sexual situations alert! Many, many thanks to my good friend and inspiration, Ghostwriter, who whipped out the jump-leads and gave me encouragement after I'd kirbed my keyboard - and to everyone else who turned harpy and nagged me to keep going, when I lost sight of the show, Jeri Taylor's rich and complex characters, and therefore my J/C heart. Obviously these aren't the canon J/C, they're my memory of what they are/could be between episodes ie: Human and watchable, like they used to be pre-Braga "The Wonder of Seven" Years, ad nauseum.

Rating: PG13 for now

Disclaimer: Paramount and the Viaborg own all the characters taking part, but the story is mine. I'm not making any money out of this - just having some fun with my fav characters. If you'd like to reproduce this story elsewhere, please contact me first. Many thanks.

***************************************

Vitae Summa Brevis

They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate ;
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.

Ernest Dowson, 1867-1900

Captain's log: Supplemental It's the end of our second day in orbit of Chaeraa. The Chaeraans are indeed a delightful, gentle race and richly deserve their reputation for kindness, generosity and hospitality. As already noted, they are a humanoid species and remind me very much of Earth's Polynesian peoples ; skin-tone ranges from a pale coffee to a dark bronze and hair is uniformly long, straight and blue-black. Their day-to-day dress is very bright and colourful, with both males and females favouring bold, swirling colours on black, white or gold cloth for short sarongs or short trousers. Both sexes also love to adorn themselves with the indiginous tropical flowers, fashioning them into simple head-dresses, bracelets or neck leis. If it weren't for their huge and startlingly beautiful green eyes and their delicate facial ridges, it would be very easy to imagine that Chaeraa was part of an island-chain in Earth's own Pacific ocean.

In exchange for medical technology and supplies, our own supply requests have been more than met. It's a huge relief to sit here at my window, watch the Chaeraan cargo ships zip back and forth to Voyager, and know that our stasis-bins will soon be full of all manner of strange and wonderful grains, pulses, fruits and vegetables, and that our Dilithium stores will be replenished. Neelix assures me that if we're careful, the food supplies will last us at least a year. Lieutenant Torres, while very grateful for the Dilithium, wishes it were of a higher grade, or that there was more of it. But, as Lieutenant Paris pointed out with his usual pithy candour, 'beggars can't be choosers'.

Ambassador Mysol has also offered us the gift of shoreleave on some of the smaller, most southern islands and I've gratefully accepted. The crew have been informed that we'll remain in orbit until everyone has taken at least three consecutive days of R and R.

**************************************

"Mind if I hide in here for a while?"

Chakotay almost jumped out of his skin as he looked up to find the object of his thoughts in his office. More than a little flustered, he quickly put down his pen, closed the book he'd been writing in and slipped it into his desk drawer. "Hide, Captain.... from whom?"

Kathryn scowled and rolled her eyes as she crossed the room to perch on the edge of his desk. "Our very own roving Ambassador. He's driven me out of my own Ready room, I daren't go anywhere near the Mess hall or my quarters and I'm sure he's got my Bridge-chair wired to set off an alarm as soon as I sit in it. So, I thought as I'm not getting much work done, I'd hide in here for a little while and bother the hell out of you. That is, if you're free to be bothered.... join me for coffee?"

Her face softened into a slow smile as she leaned in close to whisper her question, and for one delicious, achey moment, he thought she was going to kiss him. Something - the gods only knew what - allowed him to cope with her nearness and his disappointment when she didn't.

"You never bother me, Kathryn," he grinned briefly, then deadpanned, "You shock the hell out of me sometimes, but I think I'm getting used to it. I take it that you're out of credits again and I'm buying?"

She nodded guiltily and chewed her bottom lip ; a beguiling combination that always knocked him sideways. When she followed through with the wry, lop-sided grin, he realised it was time to move. Clearing his throat, he stood up and crossed to the replicator, talking as he went. "Have a seat on the couch. How do you want it.... black or with cream?"

Kathryn settled herself on the couch under the viewport and idly plucked at the corner of a small cushion. "Strong, with cream and sugar, please... I need the energy boost. It hasn't been a busy day, but I seem to have spent most of it trying to stay ahead of Neelix and catch-up on the reports I missed while I was on the surface, yesterday."

While his back was still turned she glanced curiously at his desk - at the drawer she'd seen him slip the book into - and wondered about his reaction to looking up and finding her watching him. It was odd for him to be writing in an old-fashioned book, too, she mused. With his 'talent' for losing things and spilling drinks, he much preferred their interchangeable, indestructable PADD's. She suddenly realised that he was on his way back with a steaming cup in each hand and that he'd said something. "I'm sorry, Chakotay .... what did you say?"

He sat down on her left side and grinned as he handed her a cup. "I said, that'll teach you to pull rank on me and jump ship to play hookey in paradise."

With her cup poised halfway to her lips, she had the grace to look guilty for a moment. "I know and I'm sorry, but I saw sun, sea and sand on the viewscreen and that was that - my feet started to itch." She sipped her coffee then let her head fall back against the top of the couch with a sigh. "It's dazzling, Chakotay. The people, the colours, the sunshine warm on your skin.... the clean sea air.... the feelings of peace and contentment that come over you are indescribable. I was only there for one morning and I feel better than I have in ages." Sitting up again, she patted his knee. "Besides, you've still got three whole days of R and R to look forward to. No schedules, no meetings and no bossy, grumpy Captain breathing down your neck."

"Three whole days without her. How will I cope?"

His tone was teasing, but his eyes told her that his question wasn't entirely in jest. She was sorely tempted to tell him that it would be the same for her, left on the ship for three days while he was gone, then three days R & R of her own. Six days in total. "You'll do fine, Chakotay," she raised a hand and looked off into the distance, languidly visualising the scene, "I can see you now, stretched out on a beach, surrounded by attentive, green-eyed tropical blossoms, all doing their best to help you forget about the wicked witch of the Alpha quadrant, " she turned to grin at him as she brought down her hand, "Before the ice melts in your first drink."

"Oh, I don't know about that," he leaned forward briefly to place his cup on the nearest corner of his desk and continued, "The spell she has me under is pretty potent." When she shot him a mild, warning glance quickly followed by a smile, he decided to go for broke. "You know, looking at the shoreleave roster, it would be easy to overlap your first day with my last.... that is, if you'd like to join me? We could dive the island's submerged reefs. The Chaeraan database says that the surrounding waters are full of coral and swarming with tiny, colourful fish."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "What about large, drab fish with rows of sharp, white teeth?"

"Those too - or something very similar." At her alarmed double-take he chuckled and added, "Don't worry. They're kept away by barriers and sonic alarms that surround the islands."

She placed her free hand over his and gave a brief, affectionate squeeze. "Alright, I'd love to. I was going to suggest that we meet up for a quiet dinner on your last evening anyway, but diving the reefs sounds wonderful. Why don't you go ahead and overlap our allocation," she paused and leaned closer in a conspiratorial way "And I'll inform Tuvok."

Spoken aloud, Tuvok's name became an incantation that re-invoked the spectre of protocol. Their eyes met and locked until Kathryn withdrew her hand, looked away and sat forward to place her cup beside his. They both knew it for what it was ; a diversion. A simple, but effective tactic for putting a proper distance back between them, but it was Chakotay who struggled hardest with his disapointment and the all-too-familiar impulse to ask exactly 'why' she needed to invade his personal space, or touch him so often these days. She'd always touched him of course ; brief, simple touches to his chest, shoulders and arms, but more and more, casual touches had become lingering caresses when they were alone, especially after those times when pressure of work or away missions had kept them apart for more than a day. He'd always understood that on one level it was a way to reassure and reacquaint herself, and at first he'd found it endearing, but he didn't know how much longer he could stand the uncertainty and the mixed signals. If it were anyone else of course, things wouldn't be so complicated. He'd respond and either be accepted or refused - no big deal, no ramifications. Why did everything have to be so complicated? With joint command of Voyager's firepower, they had to be two of the most powerful people in the quadrant, yet when it came to personal destiny, they were as powerless as day old kittens.

Forcing himself to swallow his disappointment at yet another near-miss, he took a deep breath, smiled warmly and gave her the usual 'out'. "So, tell me... exactly why is Neelix hot on your trail?"

Kathryn paused to gather her own thoughts before looking up and returning his smile. "His ambassadorial uniform." On safer ground now, she rolled her eyes and tutted softly even as her smile became quirky. "He and Ambassador Mysol have hit it off really well - so well, that Mysol's invited him to observe the Chaeraan government in session and attend an official function. So, Ambassador Neelix has suddenly decided that he needs a formal dress-uniform. He's even done design sketches, some with sashes and little hats, some without."

Chakotay couldn't help laughing and she gave him her best, 'This isn't funny, Commander' glare, before briefly giving in to laughter herself.

They soon quieted and Kathryn continued in a slightly exasperated voice, "Honestly, the colours he's chosen are blinding. They'd glow in the dark! On top of that, he's pencilled in enough gold braid to bring a 'Fleet Admiral to his knees. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I've tried making subtle, tactful suggestions, but....."

He finished for her, "But, it's difficult to get a word in edgways and he's totally impervious to subtlety and tact, right?"

"Right." she sighed and rubbed at her forehead, "Oh, I don't know. Before Kes left us, I had no trouble pulling him up short when he got like this. I'd just bark out a Captain Janeway, 'No!' and that would be that - end of discussion."

"And now?"

"Now, he looks at me, grins that hopeful, cheeky grin and I turn into a puddle of spineless mush. After everything we've been through - losing Kes, the Borg, Species 8472, the Hirogen, making contact with home and then losing it - not to mention his own death, he's been worn to a frazzle trying to keep morale high. It's good to see him excited about something and I just can't knock him down."

"You're telling me that an aesthetically-challenged Talaxian chef found a weakness where millions of Borg failed? Ow!" He glared at her as he rubbed his shoulder. "Captain's aren't allowed to rabbit-punch their First Officers anymore, you know. There was a memo about it."

Her eyes widened, innocently, "You don't say? I must have missed that one."

He snorted. "Yeah, right!"

"So, you'll speak to him for me?"

"Now, wait just a minute.... I don't remember offering ^__"

"No, but you were about to."

Before Chakotay could reply the door chime rang out and Kathryn quickly stood up. "Oh, dear.... it looks like our Ambassador has finally tracked me down. Sorry, but I've got to hustle. I've got a meeting in Engineering to get to, so he's all your's, Commander." With a cheeky wink, she turned and moved towards the door.

Chakotay swore under his breath. Set up. Hooked and reeled-in like some green, first year cadet. He hadn't felt so, 'had' since his first day at the Academy when Old Sneezy had sent him to the stores for a left-handed phase-adjuster. Grinning inspite of himself, he called after her, "I won't forget this Kathryn. This one's going down on your tab."

She laughed outloud ; a rich, throaty sound that he loved to hear and turned back briefly to point a finger at him, "Gotcha good, didn't I..... and no, I didn't intend for our day together to be part of my little set up."

"I know that," he smiled back, "Go on, hurry or you'll be late for Engineering."

Just as Kathryn reached the door, it swished open to reveal a subdued Neelix who perked up the instant he saw her.

"Ah! There you are, Captain! I've been looking all over for you, but the computer wouldn't tell me where you were until just a few minutes ago. I have my finished sketches. Are you ready to help me choose a formal uniform?"

Hands clasped behind her back, Kathryn strode-on through the open door talking a-mile-a-minute. "I'm so sorry, Neelix, something just came up, but the Commander is extremely interested in your ideas. He has a fine eye for colour and a real flair for design, so...." she disappeared from view, but her voice drifted back to them along the corridor. ".....I'm sure he'll help you decide on something stylish."

Neelix immediately turned a beaming face towards Chakotay and stepped through the door - already pulling sheets of paper from his art folder. "Just wait until you see my designs, Commander. They'll take your breath away!"

Already resigned to his fate, Chakotay smiled, warmly. "So I've been told, Neelix. So I've been told."

***********************************

Three days later, Kathryn sat at her ready room desk face-to-face with her personal nemesis ; the monthly fuel consumption analysis and projections. She'd spent most of the morning trying to juggle the figures, but no matter which way she looked at them, no matter how many times she switched the power allocations, things looked grim. They were running very low on Dilithium, and even with what the Chaeraan's had been able to spare, it wouldn't be long - five months at most - before they were at critical levels. When they left the peace of Chaeraa, their top priority would have to be finding a rich seam of Dilithium ore.

Giving-up on the figures, she stood up and walked over to the viewport to gaze out at Chaeraa, hanging like a huge, blue and white swirled marble below her. It looked so much like Earth and each time she saw it, a wave of regret and home-sickness engulfed her. This time, she folded her arms across her chest, hugging and insulating herself against those feelings, forcing herself to think of tomorrow and the wonderful day she and Chakotay had planned. He was down there now - somewhere on the southernmost island. He'd only been gone for one day, but the ship felt really strange without him. It wasn't something she could ever put into words or explain to anyone, but she almost felt that the ship missed him. But then, where did the ship end and she begin? Smiling softly at her own fanciful thoughts and behaviour, she raised her right hand and slowly waved at where she guessed the island to be.

She stood there for quite a while just gazing out at the planet, but all too soon her door chime rang out, pulling her away from visions of a sun-kissed tropical beach and a certain very kissable First Officer. Turning away from the viewport, she called out, "Come in."

It was Tom Paris. He walked towards her with easy, confident strides, his face neutral - though as usual, his bright blue eyes were full of mischief and laughter.

"Hello, Tom. What can I do for you this morning?"

He came to stand just in front of her, on the lower level. "Do you have Hickman's Birthday card, Captain? We're having a small party later and I told B'Elanna I'd bring the card with me."

"Sorry, Tom. I signed it and gave it straight back to Chakotay. I'm sure he would have left it somewhere safe, though. Have you tried his office?"

Tom nodded, "That was the first place I looked, but I couldn't see it on his desk and his drawer is locked with a security code."

"I see. Well, I'm not getting much work done at the moment. Come-on....." She stepped past him and headed for the Bridge. "..... I'll over-ride his lock-out, for you."

Tom followed her out of the Ready-room and across the Bridge to Chakotay's office. They entered and Kathryn moved around to the other side of the desk, sat down in Chakotay's chair and entered her code into the drawer's keypad. Nothing happened. Surprised, she raised an eyebrow and tried again. Still nothing. The drawer remained locked. After a quick, puzzled glance at Tom she tried once more, taking care to enter her command over-ride slowly and precisely. It made no difference. She was beginning to get annoyed. Her over-ride code was supposed to grant her access to everything on the ship. Just as she was considering kicking the thing open, Tom cleared his throat and leaned on the front of the desk.

"Uh, Captain, if I might make a suggestion.... off the record?"

Kathryn looked up at him and nodded.

"Chakotay's private access codes..... his personal ones.... they aren't standard Starfleet alpha-numeric codes because he has trouble remembering them, especially if he's tired. He tends to re-programe his personal keypads to accept words or phrases, instead."

"I see. And you would know this how, exactly?"

Tom flushed slightly and rubbed at his chin with one hand. "This is still off the record, right?" At her nod, he turned sideways and sat on the desk - leaning towards her like a little kid with a secret burning a hole in his top pocket. "Harry and I tried to break into Chakotay's quarters a couple of days ago, to play a practical joke on him. We tried several times, but we just couldn't crack the door code. To cut a long story short, we talked Seven into getting the code for us. She hid a little way down the corridor and used her optical implant's zoom-cam to see what he was entering." He grinned and waggled his eyebrows, looking immensely pleased with himself. "We've got it all set. I just hope you're back from shore-leave in time for the fun."

Kathryn valiantly tried to look stern, but she couldn't help grinning up at him. Back in the Alpha quadrant, practical jokes played on a senior commanding officer would be unheard of, but stuck out here in the DQ they were a way of lifting crew morale. Laughter was a great stress reliever and had helped to strengthen the bonds between them. Most of the senior staff had been targeted at one time or another. Even Tuvok. He'd almost blown a gasket at the constant, 'Live Long And Prosper' message that haunted him for days, appearing on every console he touched, and she still couldn't believe how easily she'd fallen for the one they'd played on her ; 'The Giant Elisiian Moon-flower Mystery' was still a guaranteed way to raise a laugh on a dull Bridge shift - and it was usually Chakotay who delighted in reminding everyone about it.

On the floor of her Ready room just behind her desk, she kept a tub of delicate Elisiian moon-flower plants - very similar to Terran snowdrops. When in bloom, the tiny plants needed to be watered daily, so, she'd got into the habit of tipping any cold, left-over coffee into the tub at the end of her shift. It was a simple way of remembering to keep the soil moist and made her feel a little better about her coffee habit. One day, she suddenly noticed that the plants seemed to be getting bigger - much bigger than they were supposed to. They grew at an alarming rate, forcing her to transplant them into larger and larger containers over several weeks. Feeling very pleased with herself, her green thumb and her ingenuity in putting the coffee to good use, she'd proudly shown the Alpha and Beta Bridge-crews her giant moon-flower plants, telling them that her secret was cold, extra strong Klingon coffee. Eventually, Chakotay had taken pity on her and spilled the beans. Messrs. Paris and Kim had been slipping into her Ready room at least once a week to dump a generous dose of growth hormone over her moon-flowers.

Grinning, she winked at Paris and made a mental note that she still owed them a return match for that one. "I'll try to be back for it , Tom, but don't delay it just for me. I'll have my fun teasing him about it, later." She turned her attention back to the drawer's key-pad. "So, any ideas on how we get this open?"

Tom got up and took a turn around the desk, scratching at the side of his chin as he thought about it. "Well, the door to his quarters was 'blue-eyes-alpha-one', so I'd say it has to be something along those lines."

She slapped her hand down on the desk. "Ach, we're going to be here all day. It could be anything."

"Maybe not." He suddenly swung the chair around so that she was facing him and bent down to peer into her face. "Hmmm....... blue eyes? Certainly. Long lashes.....? Possibly. Pert nose......? Nah. Redhead......? Maybe. Stubborn, 'Take your best shot' Irish chin......?"

"Don't push it, Paris."

"......Creamy skin..... a few freckles...freckles? Freckles-alpha-one! Try it, Captain."

Shooting him a withering look, she shook off a vague feeling of unease, shrugged her shoulders and carefully entered 'Freckles-alpha-one' into the keypad. The drawer opened with a traitorous click.

Paris punched the air and crowed, "Yes! Am I good, or am I good?!"

Kathryn couldn't believe it. "This is ridiculous. Who has security codes like that?!" Only Chakotay, and only in this damned quadrant. Her vague unease was growing into something more akin to embarrassment - which in turn was irritating the hell out of her. Give it a week and this would be all over the ship, unless she could nip it in the bud here and now.

Meanwhile, Paris was in full flow. "You see, luck is fine on it's own, but you need to be an observer of people and I'm an observer of people. What else would the memory man pick but something he sees everyday - on someone he also happens to like alot.... a whole, whole lot."

"Thank-you, Tom! She held his attention with a beady glare and the Janeway two-finger point. "This is to go no further. Is that understood?"

His cheesey grin was insufferable. "Oh, sure. Understood, Captain. So, are you flattered?"

She closed her eyes and sighed, heavily. "Yes, I'm flattered. Annoyed, but flattered." She looked up at him, studying his face for a long moment. "Tom, I mean it. This mustn't go any further - not even as far as B'Elanna. The rumour mill doesn't need any help from Mister Chakotay."

"You have my word, Captain. " He sat down on the edge of the desk again and folded his arms across his chest. "So......?" His tone was wheedling.

"What?"

"So, as this is still off the record, do you feel the same way?"

She was about to tell him to mind his own business when some madness took hold of her tongue and she heard herself say, "And, what if I do?" She eyed the edge of the desk and waited for the trademark Paris quip. When he still hadn't spoken, she looked up expecting to see him grinning from ear to ear. He was smiling, but there was nothing teasing or wolfish about his smile now ; it was a wistful smile, maybe even a little regretful. "Tom.....?"

His smile grew a little, but it still didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I'm glad, Captain..... really glad." He was blushing and couldn't seem to look her in the eye as he spoke. "I'm glad that you finally came to your senses."

Kathryn was surprised at his reaction. Of all her crew, she'd always thought Tom would be the most open to a relationship between herself and Chakotay, that he'd be the last person to ever begrudge her a personal life. "But....?"

He shrugged his shoulders and chuckled, "But, nothing. Well, I suppose I can tell you this now... now that B'Elanna and I are together and you and Chakotay have realised......" his voice trailed off and he cleared his throat before blurting out, "I just had one hell of a crush on you for a while. One of those 'older woman' things I never had time for as a kid." he glanced at her from under his lashes, blushing more deeply as he continued, his fair complexion letting him down. "While my friends were all sighing over Mrs. Lacey in gym class, my head was full of ancient sailing ships, rusty old cars, bad movies, comic books and getting into the Academy's Pilot program. By the time I looked up and realised what all the fuss was about, Mrs Lacey announced that she was leaving to take up another teaching post and she was gone. You're very like her..... in lots of ways." he finished a little lamely.

Kathryn's voice was a little husky, but she was smiling, softly. "I never knew..... no, that's a lie. I think I knew, I just chose to pretend that I didn't, but.... with hindsight, I've probably let you get away with blue murder because of it. Well, I'll be damned." Pursing her lips, she glanced away down at her hands. "You're an incorrigible flirt, Thomas Eugene Paris. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Oh, all the time," he shot back, "But come-on, be fair..... a female Captain - a beautiful, blue-eyed redhead - that was just too much fun to pass up, wasn't it?"

"You're doing it again, Paris."

"Would you like me to stop?"

They eyed each other for a moment, both acknowledging the very real, very warm affection that had grown for the other over the years, and in Kathryn's case, experiencing a deep satisfaction and pride at the way this insecure man-child had finally grown into himself under a flipant exterior shield. Swallowing past a slight tightness in her throat, she shook her head and murmured, "No, Lieutenant, I don't want you to stop."

"Ever?"

"Ever."

Tom gave her a small, mock salute and his biggest, cheekiest grin. "Aye, Captain." Coughing to clear his throat he continued, briskly, "Then I think we'd better find that card before B'Elanna slams in here to rip me a new^___.... rip my head off. Chakotay really hates it when he comes home to bloodstains on the carpet."

"Tom....."

"Yes, Captain?"

"..... Nice recovery."

"Thank you."

Silently, smothering persistant grins, they turned their attention back to the drawer and began to pull things out - PADDs, holo-cameras, tri-corders, pieces of paper, old-fashioned pens, pencils, and inks, a beautiful crystal paperweight in the shape of a soaring eagle, a small paper-bag of Neelix's homemade fudge, and then finally, a large, hardback book smartly bound in fine, black material. Kathryn saw and recognised the book just as she popped a piece of fudge into her mouth, but Tom beat her to pulling it from the bottom of the drawer.

"Here we go, Captain..... I'll bet he slipped it in here to keep it flat." Opening the front cover, he slowly fanned the inner pages against his thumb, expecting to find Hickman's birthday card safe and sound. "Whoa! Will you look at that?!"

Kathryn got up and stood beside him, "Let me see....."

He passed her one half of the book, but held on to the other half as they both gazed at a delicate pastel sketch of Kathryn, head bowed over a PADD, smiling slightly as she read - almost as if she knew she were observed.

Her reaction to the sketch was pure delight ; to see herself through someone else's eyes, to see such obvious, deep affection translated into such a delicate piece was wonderful, and strangely humbling. With a last, lingering look at the sketch, she reached past Tom and turned the page, eager to see if there were any more. What followed were pages of poetry, scribbled notes about funny things she'd said or done on such and such a day, and many more ink, pastel or pencil sketches showing her from every angle, in every conceivable mood. Two pages in particular caught her eye and stayed her hand ; tucked into the spine of those two pages were six faded rose petals and the label from a bottle of champagne. Her right hand - still holding the next leading page - trembled slightly as the muted fragrance of a long-forgotten rose was disturbed and wafted into the air, bringing with it powerful memories of senseless death, confusion and pain, moonlit dark water, strong supporting arms and the caress of soothing words, softly spoken into her hair.

With a gasp, she bit down hard on her bottom lip, blinking back stinging tears as her fingers traced over a small charcoal sketch of a woman kneeling at the prow of a sailboat. The woman had just tugged something loose from her hair and was laughing into the wind as it whipped around her, lifting and pulling at her dress.

"Captain.... you alright?"

Kathryn jumped. "Sorry, Tom.... what did you say?"

"I asked if you were alright..... you look like you saw a ghost or something."

Feeling exposed and unsteady, she swallowed hard. "I think I did." Taking the book from him she closed it carefully and holding it tightly to her chest, sat down in Chakotay's chair before she fell down. "Tom, would you..... would you excuse me, I'd like some time to look at these by myself. If I find the card, I promise I'll get it to you or B'Elanna before the party."

"Captain?" Tom's face and voice were full of concern as he took a step towards her.

"I'm fine, Lieutenant." She held up her hand and smiled, using his rank as a buffer between them, giving herself a chance to regain her composure.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure," she placed the book on the desk in front of her and slowly smoothed her hands over the front cover, "I'd just like to be alone with this for a while."

"Alright, then.... if you're sure." Still looking a little worried and doubtful, Tom turned to leave. "I'll ask the Doc about the card just in case you don't find it. He was going to be my next stop, anyway."

"Tom...."

He guessed what she was going to say. "Don't worry, Captain. My lips are sealed tighter than a Ferengi's pockets. And, if you suddenly have a crazy notion to jump ship and go down to the surface, I'll be sure to save two pieces of birthday cake." With a warm, knowing smile and a cheeky wink, he left.

Kathryn gazed at the door for a long time after it had closed behind him. Less than a year ago, she'd have doubted his ability to carry a secret as far as the next turbo-lift, but now..... now things were different. She knew that she could trust him.

Turning her attention back to the book she took a slow, deep breath and opened it once more. It was a remarkable insight into how Chakotay saw her. Such beautiful individual drawings, but together, the whole was almost a pictorial record of her day-to-day life in the Delta quadrant ; the physical changes she'd gone through were easy to see of course - the style and length of her hair being the most evident - but he'd also managed to capture her changing moods, showing her tiredness and despondancy, joy and hope, anger and fear, wonder and curiosity, loss and regret. He'd even captured her sheer bloody-mindedness with a few deft sweeps of a pencil or charcoal.

Moving quickly past the rose petals, the champagne label and the sail-boat sketch, she found pages of scribbled reminders - the biggest, most heavily starred and underscored reading,

*Don't forget!*
*Kathryn's birthday!*

Underneath that, there were design sketches for what looked like an old-fashioned time-piece on a long, thick rope-chain. Strange..... he'd never given her anything like that as a birthday gift? Flowers, sand-paintings, a day on the holo-deck while he covered her duty shift, a home-made dinner here and there, yes.... but never a time-piece. Unless..... maybe it was for this year? She smiled softly and turned the page, making a mental note to look surprised, if and when.

After a page filled with doodled question marks and rather dark, disconsolate sketches of B'Elanna, there were several pages filled with drawings of men and women Kathryn didn't recognise. Most of them were clearly Bajoran - some even wore the familiar Bajoran pagh earring - but the others were a mixed bag of Humans, Bolians and Betazoids. In stark contrast to the moody sketches of B'Elanna, these people were all shown smiling, some shyly, but most with dazzling smiles or heads thrown back in merry laughter. The detail on their faces was superb, the best she'd ever seen. She'd always considered herself a fair artist, but she was more comfortable with inanimate objects, scenic landscapes or space phenomenon in watercolours and oils. To her dismay, faces - particularly moods and expressions - had always eluded her. Were these the other members of Chakotay and B'Elanna's Maquis cell? He had never spoken about them - at least not to her - even after Tuvok had quietly informed her of certain chilling rumours circulating the ship regarding their fate. She'd tried to talk to Chakotay about the rumours, but he'd always abrubtly changed the subject, making it clear that he wasn't ready to talk. These drawings were probably his way of remembering his friends while working through his grief, she mused. She'd just have to continue to be patient and believe that he'd come to her when he was ready to talk about them, and tell her what happened.

Eventually she found herself at the last of the used pages, these filled with sketches and funny, accurate caricatures of Voyager's crew, including one of their Captain - left hand on her hip, a huge coffee-cup raised in her right hand and declaring, "I beat the Borg with it!" Oh, he was going to pay for that when she caught up with him, tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Leaning back in the chair, she gazed out of the viewport as she turned that over in her mind. Why wait until tomorrow? Maybe Tom was right. Maybe acting on impulse - on a crazy notion - was what she needed to do. Images of a sun-drenched beach flash-framed before her eyes ; blue skies, crystal clear water and tall, leafy palm trees swaying in a light breeze while she sat on the sand, wrapped in the arms of someone who loved her, someone who had cared about her for a very long time, asking for and expecting nothing but her laughter. Oh, yes..... humour had always played a large part in their 'relationship'. She teased him, he teased her - it was what they did . Only she'd been so busy laughing with him, she'd missed every clue, misread his enduring affection and interest in every single thing she did.

He still loved her.

She'd been wrong to think that he'd moved on. He hadn't. He obviously wasn't going anywhere fast.... but then, neither was she. He wasn't the only one who'd learnt how to deflect attention with humour.

She closed the book carefully. If she looked at it long enough, she'd probably talk herself out of the impluse - find hundreds of excuses, but not a single reason. They needed to talk and the sooner the better. They were both adults, weren't they? They should both be able to admit their feelings and discuss their fears after all these years?

Her mind made-up, she tapped her commbadge and asked Tuvok to join her in Chakotay's office.

*****************************************

Half an hour later - after an unusual meeting with Tuvok, some fast talking and even faster packing - Kathryn was on Chaeraa. The transporter beam cleared and she lifted a hand to shade her eyes against the brilliant sunlight, smiling broadly as she scanned the most beautiful beach she'd ever seen.

It was absolutely perfect ; a breathtaking backdrop of mountains and tall trees giving out onto white, crescent-shaped sands and emerald-green waters, all topped off by a vast, azure sky. Off to her left, at the far end of the beach a low, wooden beach house - the only visible sign of habitation - shimmered in the heat haze and she guessed that that was where she'd find Chakotay.

After the subdued lighting of Voyager, the brightness of the late-morning sun hurt her eyes a little, so she moved into the shade offered by a nearby tree until her eyes adjusted. Slipping the carry-strap of her 'Fleet issue satchel off her shoulder and letting it fall to the sand, she unzipped her uniform jacket, tugged it off and sat down to pull off her boots and her socks. Tucking both socks into the top of one boot, she rolled up her trouser legs and wiggled her toes deep into the sand, enjoying the warm, silky feel of it between her toes. With a contented sigh and a murmured, "I think I could get used to this." she hugged her knees to her chest and closed her eyes as she tried to let go of all her concerns, her petty worries and the familiar, nagging tension that had made a home at the back of her neck.

Inhaling and exhaling slowly, tasting the tang of salt and ozone on her tongue, she opened her eyes to the shifting colours of the ocean and her soul to the total peace ; absorbing the sights, sounds, tastes and smells of the here and now, for those times when she couldn't seem to find five minutes of solitude, or take six steps down a corridor without being stopped by a questioning crewman, a call to this department or that emergency. Taking some time to acclimatise herself and wind-down from Command-mode before she went to find Chakotay was a good idea too, she decided. He'd been here for a day and a half now, and no doubt he'd be rested, relaxed and if it were possible, even more 'laid back' than usual. At least, she hoped he was. Tutting softly, she reminded herself that time was passing and that it was pointless worrying about something she'd already made up her mind to do. She'd use this time as something for her and her alone. Her confession - and Chakotay - could wait just a little longer. A tiny, sing-song voice mocked her cowardice, but she stubbornly ignored it, focusing instead on the soothing sounds of the ocean and the beauty of the beach.

~~*~~

Phasing back into herself, unsure of exactly how much time had passed, Kathryn felt more relaxed, but she was also hot, sticky with perspiration, and thirsty.

Standing up to languidly stretch the stiffness out of her arms and legs, she gazed at the sea and seriously considered stripping down to her underwear, strolling through the smaller waves and diving into the cool swell of darker, rolling breakers that hovered over deep water. It really wasn't that far to the beach house, she mused. She could easily swim there ..... but then, what would she do with her satchel and her clothes? The thought of coming all the way back up the beach for them later didn't appeal, not in the full heat of the afternoon sun. Besides, emerging from the surf in non-regulation underwear - possibly in full view of her stunned First Officer - might be considered a tad unprofessional, too.

Grinning broadly, she brushed some sand off the seat of her pants, grabbed up her jacket, her boots and her satchel and set off for the distant beach house.

~~*~~

She arrived to find Chakotay sitting cross-legged on the sand in front of some verandah steps. Stripped to the waist, he was reading a book, sipping a tall, lurid-orange drink, and looking gorgeous and annoyingly healthy - even from a distance. He'd caught the sun and his normally tan skin now glowed a rich, dark bronze against the white of the sand, the navy-blue of his shorts and the green of the sea. As expected, he also looked totally at ease and totally at one with his surroundings, while she silently regretted her pale, freckle-prone skin and cursed her tight uniform. No matter. The important thing had been to throw together what she needed and get off the ship before something happened to weaken her resolve or wreck her plans, but still..... she couldn't help feeling that no one had a right to look that handsome - or that cool.

When Chakotay glanced up and saw her strolling towards him, he called out in surprise, "You're a day early.... don't tell me you've finally gone awol?"

Kathryn's mouth and throat were too parched to answer, so she only smiled and shook her head. When she finally reached him, she dropped her bag, her jacket and her boots, flopped down onto the sand in front of him and silently held out her hand to ask for his drink.

He gladly passed it to her and watched as she drained the glass.

"Better?" he asked, as she finished the last drop.

"Much better," she exhaled deeply and moistened her lips, holding the glass up to her forehead to enjoy it's frosted coolness. "It's delicious, what is it?"

"Some sort of citric fruit juice mixed with carbonated water. There's a big, icy pitcher of it in the kitchen if you'd like some more?"

"I'd love some, but I'd like to change out of my uniform, first." She tugged at her turtleneck to waft cooler air onto her neck and added, "Would you believe, Tuvok chased me off my own ship before I could even change my clothes?"

"Oh? Chakotay grinned, "Well, good for Tuvok. I'll have to remember to thank him."

Kathryn grinned back, ruefully, "I thanked him enough for both of us. You know what it's like up there - the usual procedures and details for me to get mired in. Tuvok logically pointed out that if I didn't leave immediately they'd only multiply ten-fold and I'd never get away." Sighing and rolling her eyes in mock exasperation, she handed back his glass. "He insisted on accompanying me to my quarters and rushing me through my packing before escorting me to the Transporter room, dismissing Ensign Lin and beaming me here, himself - mid effusive gush." She snorted, softly. "I really should know better after all these years. I keep forgetting that a single, 'thank you' is sufficient for a Vulcan."

They exchanged knowing smiles until Chakotay looked away down at the sand. He didn't say anything right away, just picked up handfuls of the soft, white sand and slowly let it slip between his fingers. When he spoke his tone was still light, but his voice was quieter. "So, what made you decide to come down a day early..... it's not like you to change your plans right out of the blue like this?"

Kathryn paused, expecting him to look up, wanting him to, but at the same time half-hoping that he wouldn't before she could answer. Too late. He was watching her intently now ; the eyebrow under his tattoo slightly raised, dark eyes locked with her's while he waited for an answer. Such beautiful, expressive eyes she mused ; always so full of what he was feeling, but cleverly disguised as mischievous, teasing banter and gentle flirtation. She could see that now. And all the while ..... she stole a glance at her satchel, picturing a large, black book carefully wrapped in a lilac towel. She'd planned to show it to him as soon as she arrived - explain how she found it and tell him that they needed to have a long overdue conversation. But now that she was here, facing him across the sand, it wasn't that simple.

"Kathryn?"

"Give me a moment, I'm dithering."

"Captain Kathryn Janeway, dither? Never happen," he grinned.

"Too late."

"What's there to dither about? Just tell me why you came down today, instead of tomorrow, as we'd arranged?"

Tilting her head to one side, she regarded him for a few moments before giving in to a sudden, over-powering rush of tenderness ; reaching out to caress his face, slowly trailing her fingers from the inked, satiny skin at his temple to the rougher, shadowed edge of his jaw. She was just thinking that he'd need to shave soon - and hoping that he wouldn't bother - when she noticed that his eyes were shut tight and that he wasn't breathing. With an exasperated click of her tongue, she leaned forward and murmured, "I'm here, because I need to talk to you and you need to talk to me.... about this," she stroked his face once more to illustrate her point, then withdrew her hand, "And about your journal or diary, or whatever it is..... preferably inside, where it's cooler," she added with real feeling.

Chakotay's eyes shot open as soon as he heard the word, 'journal' .

"You found my journal... and you read it?! Wait a minute... I locked it away in my office drawer. Just how did you ^___"

"That's not important," she interrupted.

"The hell it isn't! You've been through my private things, read my private thoughts.... you've seen my drawings?"

"Yes."

"And?!"

"They're very beautiful, some of the loveliest I've ever seen. I'm..... I'm very flattered."

"You are.... really?" The indignation and tension left his face and voice as he realised that she wasn't mortified, offended or angry with him. He shrugged his shoulders and smiled a self-deprecating smile. "I can only draw what's there in front of me."

"I see. That would certainly explain, 'I beat the Borg with it!' "

He winced, but as he went to move closer to her, she quickly put up her hands to hold him off. "Why didn't you tell me, Chakotay? Why did I have to find out from a book?!"

"Come on, Kathryn. What did you expect?" he asked, softly. " 'Good morning, Captain. Here's that report you asked for and oh, by the way, I'm still in love you.' One of us would have exited through the nearest airlock - and I suspect it would have been you." He paused, looked down at the sand again and took a slow, deep breath. "There were plenty of times when I tried to say something or show you... over dinner or during our walks on the holodeck, but the time just never seemed right. Even when it did, one of us would invariably be called away to the Bridge, Astrometrics or Engineering. Besides, there were no guarantees that you felt the same way or that you were even willing to listen." His eyes met hers again as he asked, "Would you have listened?"

Kathryn shook her head, her tone becoming more conciliatory, "I don't know.... it would have depended on your timing. If you'd caught me on one of those dark, lonely days, I might have. Maybe if you'd slowly made your feelings more obvious, left no doubt that you still wanted to be more than close friends, I could have responded. But, I'm your Captain, remember? I'm not allowed to proposition my crew - Maquis, Starfleet or happy hitch-hiker - no matter how they come to me, no matter how much I love them or need them. Anyway, you're the rebel... you could at least have made a clumsy pass at me."

"I'm sorry." He didn't look it or sound it, but that wasn't his fault - not after what she'd just let slip. "If I could have been sure about how you'd react, I would have, but there was just too much at stake to risk on a maybe. There were little things I picked up on..... like the way you constantly invade my space, the way you're always stealing food off my plate, the little sneaky ways you find to touch me, or the way you smile at me sometimes, but it's all so...... so 'ambiguous', Kathryn. Why didn't 'you' push a bit harder?"

She gave a short, weak laugh and shrugged her shoulders."Same reasons, I suppose. Too many maybes, no guarantees. We work so well together, and.... I think I'd convinced myself that what we almost started on New Earth was down to fear of the unknown, lonliness and a distinct lack of choice. Until I saw your journal, I thought you'd given up on me years ago....." She clamped down hard on her bottom lip, determined not to give in to it's sudden, unexpected quivering or the huge lump of self-pity threatening to close her throat. She forced a laugh instead. "..... I thought that you were just being kind and going out of your way to flirt with the old lady in the big chair.... trying to keep her sane and amused."

Chakotay hadn't missed her lip chewing or the slight quaver in her voice, but he knew her well enough to pretend that he hadn't seen it. He chose to tease her instead, giving her a chance to collect herself. "You're not old, you just 'act' old, and superior..... maybe a bit cranky and crabby sometimes, too, but you're not old."

Kathryn's jaw dropped as she flicked a slap at his chest, "Crabby?!"

"As little green apples."

They mock-glared at one another until Chakotay started to laugh. He didn't know whether it was the incredulous look on her face or the twisted, almost farcical humour of two people admitting the truth of their feelings after going to such inordinant lengths to hide them. All he knew was that right now things were finally out in the open, there was no going back and that Kathryn Janeway loved him. The whole situation suddenly struck him as very, very funny.

Folding her arms and settling back on her heels, Kathryn watched him throw back his head and laugh like a loon. Fighting bubbling laughter herself, she held it in check so that she could watch this new - and surprising - Chakotay. She'd never, ever seen him give himself to laughter like this before. His sense of humour had always been sardonic, even twisted at times, but his laughter had never been more than a tightly controlled, appreciative chuckle. She watched entranced as he keeled over backwards, arms wrapped tightly over his stomach, feet flat on the sand, knees bent, laughing loudly and gasping for air and control.

When he eventually got a grip and quieted, Kathryn fell forward onto her hands and knees and crawled over the sand to sit beside him and grin down into his face. "Something I said?"

He screwed up his eyes and groaned breathlessly, "Don't.... it hurts. I have a stitch.... either that, or I cracked a rib."

"Serves you right," she said smugly, "The last person to call me 'crabby' regrets it to this day."

"Do tell?"

"Not on your life."

Chakotay stretched out flat on the sand and sighed a deep, happy sigh. "You know, I haven't laughed like that in years. I can't even remember the last time..... although, I think B'Elanna, Suder and Ayala were there..... back in our early Maquis days." He looked away, up at the cloudless blue sky, then turned back to gaze at her. His mood sobered slightly and he angled his head to look up at her before lifting a hand to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind her left ear. Lightly stroking her face and throat, he asked, "Did you come over here for a reason, Kathryn?"

Kathryn rarely blushed, but for several long seconds all she could do was stare down at him, or rather, at his mouth. Her face burned and the heat of the beach suddenly became more humid and oppressive as his lips curved into a slow smile and she realised that he knew ; he knew exactly why she'd followed, why she'd come to sit so close beside him. He'd known before she did. More seconds ticked by as she fumbled for some smart answer, but none came and then it was too late - the moment had passed and she had a new problem. 'Timing is everything' she thought, as his hand slid around to the back of her neck and he slowly, but firmly guided her mouth to his.

The kiss was light and sweet at first, his lips slightly moist, slightly parted and incredibly soft as they moved over hers, stroking and nudging until she could barely breathe. Eager to taste him, she opened her mouth, moaning softly as her tongue discovered silken heat, the sharp, fresh taste of citrus and salt, and the unmistakable scent of moist, male skin. As his hands slowly roamed from her shoulders to her lower back, ripples of heat and pleasure filled the tracks his fingers made and she knew that if she didn't end the kiss now, she'd never be able to. She broke away regretfully, surprised to find that she was actually trembling. Laying her forehead against his jaw, she spoke the words against his throat. "We can't, Chakotay." As he groaned in frustrated disbelief, she blindly reached up and placed her fingers over his mouth to silence him. "We should talk, first."

"About what?!"

Draping her forearms across his bare chest, she propped herself up until she was looking down at him. "Everything! You have to understand what I can offer you, and I have to know what you're willing to live with. And then there's our Command to consider."

Chakotay tore his eyes from hers to stare up at the sky, muttering darkly under his breath. His hands slid from her shoulders and he sat up, grabbing a white T-shirt from the sand beside him and pulling it on. "You still want to play Captains and Commanders, even now? You still need to set parameters on how I can love you?"

"One of us has to." She sat up beside him and took his face in both hands, forcing him to look at her, again. "We have responsibilities, you and I. Mine have been a part of me far longer than you have ..... they'll always come first while Voyager is lost out here. There are going to be times when you need me and I can't be with you - not just because of an emergency, but because of something mundane or trivial. Will the time I can give you be enough? How much time is 'enough' for you? Are you even willing to live that way?"

Chakotay watched her as she spoke, absorbing her words, but struggling with his disappointment. She was right of course ; right about their responsibility to the crew constantly coming between them, right about the questions they both needed to ask and have answered before they went any further. He'd just never imagined that their first kiss would be followed by a strategy meeting. He snorted softly, shook his head and grinned in spite of himself. He should have known better - this was Kathryn Janeway, after all - but he couldn't help it. On too-quiet, sleepless nights, his fantasies about their first kiss and subsequent love-making had always conveniently glossed-over unpleasant realities like Command responsiblity. It was amazing how quickly long-term illusion became delusion. His fault, not hers.

He realised that she was watching him expectantly, waiting for his answer. Before he answered her though, he was determined to have at least a tiny part of that 'first kiss' fantasy. Sliding across the sand to sit just behind her, he slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer until she was settled between his knees. She leaned back without hesitation, resting her head against his right shoulder, her arms wrapped over his, her hair soft against his cheek. A little tense maybe, but that was perfectly natural.

Neither of them said anything right away. They just sat there, thinking and enjoying the simple, quiet contact ; the real culmination of so many years spent trying to deny need, hope and the depth of what they felt for one another. So many words had been spoken over the years in the lead-up to this moment, many of them by the Captain and the Commander, some by the people they were inside the uniforms who wanted more, but thought they couldn't have it. Learning to talk honestly to one another was going to take time. Right now though, words weren't necessary for either of them. They just sat on the sand, comfortably wrapped up in one another, idly watching the waves come and go.

Soon, Kathryn asked in a quiet voice, "Is this a provisional 'yes'?"

Chakotay nodded, "This is a provisional 'yes', subject to final terms and conditions agreed by both parties..... and one small parameter of my own." Turning her slightly in his arms, he reached around to remove her rank pips and said, "There's no rank allowed on my island, it just gets in the way. There.... how does that feel?"

Her hand went to her throat, "A little strange, but I'll live with it," she answered, honestly.

"Good." He slipped the little pips into the pocket of his shorts and dropped a brief kiss onto her cheek. "Why don't you take a shower and change into something light and a lot less Starfleet? While you do that, I'll organise some drinks to help us relax, okay?"

"Chilled.... in very large glasses?"

He winked. "Chilled, definitely. I don't know about very large glasses.... there are a couple of crystal flower-vases we could use?"

Grinning, they helped each other up off the sand, gathered their things and together, they climbed the verandah steps.

~*~

As they entered the shade of the beach-house, Chakotay took Kathryn's arm and guided her across a large, airy room with uneven, white-washed walls covered in brightly coloured Chaeraan paintings, pottery and ceremonial masks. The simple terracotta-tile floor felt wonderfully cool after the heat of the beach, and while there were no chairs or sofa's in the room, there were huge, luxurious piles of silken cushions dotted here and there, beautiful, free-standing glass candlesticks as tall as she was, and low, elegantly carved white tables. Large windows at the far end of the room were dressed in a sheer, snowey-white material which lifted and fell lazily in the light sea breeze.

For the very first time, Kathryn Janeway felt envious of someone else's life-style and possessions.

"Chakotay, it's beautiful! How the hell did you manage to get billeted here?" She slowly turned around in a circle as she admired the simple, uncluttered elegance of the room. "I must be paying you too much. Even I couldn't afford this place."

He tapped his nose with one finger. "Let's just say I know someone who knows someone, and the first someone owed me a favour."

"Who?"

"Neelix."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "Our Neelix?"

"Our Neelix. His new best buddy, Ambassador Mysol uses it as a Summer retreat. He doesn't need it while the Government is in session because he has spacious quarters attached to his office and so.... to cut a long story short, I did Neelix a huge favour recently," he leaned forward slightly, a slow, cheeky grin forming. "I helped him pick out a rather classy Ambassador's uniform..... uh, you're looking a bit green around the gills there, Kathryn. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, thank you!" she sighed, "Just show me to my room, Chakotay. I need to shower, change clothes and indulge in several large drinks before I deal with you."

"Right this way. You haven't seen the best bit yet, you know."

He took her hand and she tagged along just behind him, slowly shaking her head and thinking that his Spirit-guide animal had to be a cat of some kind - judging by the way he always managed to land on his feet.

Just as he stopped in front of a white door and turned the handle, she reached up, tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "So, does this mean my tab is clear, again?"

"No, Kathryn, it doesn't mean anything of the sort. You still owe me," he turned to wink at her as he pushed the bedroom door open, "In fact, when you see your en-suite bathroom, you're going to owe me for the rest of your life. As I said, there's a hot-water shower, and I think you'll love the bottles full of exotic oils, dishes full of pastel soaps and natural sponges and..... uh....what else?" He rubbed at his chin for a moment, thinking hard, "Oh yes, how could I forget the enormous, sunken, shell-shaped bath-tub?"

"A sunken, shell-shaped bath-tub?"

She squeezed past him into the room and a few seconds later he heard a loud gasp, quickly followed by a laughing, but awe-inspired,

"Oh, my God!"

Snorting softly, pleased that he'd decided to take one of the smaller rooms and leave this larger, en-suite one for her use, Chakotay called out, "Don't be too long. I'll be in the kitchen .... it's on the far side of the house, at the back, alright? Kathryn.....?"

For several seconds the sound of running water was his only answer. Just as he was about to turn away and head for the kitchen, Kathryn re-appeared in the doorway, smiling radiantly as she shrugged off her grey sweater.

"On the far side, at the back. Got it. Give me fifteen minutes to shower and change - twenty minutes, tops." She started to step back into the bedroom and close the door, but paused and added, "Thank you, Chakotay."

"For what?"

"Well, amongst other things, for sharing all of this with me. For giving me the largest bedroom with the best view and the biggest, deepest bath-tub I've ever seen."

He folded his arms and leaned his left shoulder against the door frame. "Oh? And how would you know that this is the largest bedroom with the best view and the biggest, deepest bath-tub?"

"Because, I've seen the external dimensions of the house. It just isn't big enough to have another en-suite bedroom of this size, with a window that faces the sea, and because....." she leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the mouth, "......I know you. I'll see you in twenty minutes. Don't forget now, large glasses." She disappeared back inside and closed the door, muting the sound of running water.

Chakotay could only stare at the closed door and for one cold, scalp-tingling second wonder if he was still aboard Voyager, in the midst of a powerful vision quest or a dream.

No, this was real. This was finally real.

Turning away, he made his way to the kitchen, musing over the events of a morning that were about to change his life forever. Kathryn Janeway had surprised him yet again. Just when he thought he understood her, she up and shocked the life out of him. Oh, he'd always known that she was unpredictable, that a life spent beside her would be a life full of change and uncertainty, a life lived in a constant state of flux, but that had always been the life he'd envisioned for himself as her First Officer and friend ; together, but somehow distant and remote at the same time. As long as his feelings for her had been his deep, dark secret, that distance had allowed him to do his job - especially when she seemed hell-bent on having her atoms smeared across the quadrant. Would he still be able to keep that professional distance and do his job if they became lovers? He wouldn't know until that time actually arrived. That scared him - he'd be a fool to claim otherwise - but, then he supposed there was only one way he was going to find out.

On To Part Two